Friday, September 30, 2005

Activist Judges

From News of the Weird: "Judge Jeffrey K. Sprecher of Berks County, Pa., dismissed charges against a man in August for buying beer for his underage neighbor, ruling that the prosecutor hadn't proved all of the elements of the crime. Specifically, said Sprecher, there was no evidence offered that Miller Genuine Draft is "beer." (Prosecutors usually submit a government-created listing of beers as proof but failed to do that.)"

Damn. I think this is just the kind of stuff the GOP is talking about, right here. Activist judges trying to make America into some kind of dystopia where nobody drinks pisswater. Fuck you, Jeffrey K. Sprecher! You can have my MGD when you pry it from my flabby, shitstained fratboy fingers!!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Chalk One Up for, uh, Republicans, I Guess.

Bill Frist is going down. Tom DeLay is going to jail. Karl Rove is all but finished. Bush and his team can look forward to indictments from now until forever. The Republican Party is in shambles and running scared.

Thank YOU, America's Republican Party.

Not just the men at the top, either (literally, there are almost no women--Karen Hughes is a transsexual, as you all know). Frist, DeLay and co., all did their part, sure. Hubris, arrogance, plain old criminal behavior--these all played a large part. Training the media to attack any and all scandals, no matter how minor, certainly proved to be a good strategy for self-immolation, as surely as breaking the vow of silence put in place under Tip O'Neill proved to be a great recipe for short-term success but a poor plan for career-minded politicians. See, when you slime everybody on the left relentlessly for a decade, you eventually get some on yourself, and then people start to notice you and start to think, "well, shit. With these new rules, where everybody is fair game, I guess now we ought to fuck that motherfucker in the ass for a while!"

No, I also want to thank the good old dumb country fuck Republican voters. Thank you all for putting these ass weasels in office for the last 5 years. You have done what no outrageous and wasteful Whitewater investigation could do, what no manufactured impeachment could do, what no garden-variety gay hooker in the White House scandal could do: you have proven to yourselves the utter incompetence and degeneracy of your chosen representatives. You had the wisdom to see that the Republicans left over from the Contract With America years and Bush and his fellow travelers needed a full two terms in power to get enough rope to hang themselves with, and now they are tottering on the edge of the stool with a noose around their necks. You have purged your own party. Nice work, my stupid brilliant compatriots.

Certainly, no credit goes to the Democratic Party, or those who would have it that the term "liberal" has any meaning outside of the Democratic Party (to say that is to claim power without strength, talent without ability, proof without evidence; in short, it is nonsense). No, the Democrats have been altogether ineffective against the Republicans and, fortunately for them, they have now only to sit back and snark as the GOP eats itself. Getting involved would only slow down the process, and might even reverse it for a time. So, for the love of God, Hillary: sit down and shut the fuck up.

The ironing, as Bart Simpson would say, is delicious. Delicious but a tad bitter. Ah, to be part of a party whose best weapon is its silence...

They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

It was bad enough that, only hours after a category 4 hurricane plowed through a major city and did obvious major damage to people and the property of said people, CNN and other news outlets chose to devote time and energy to stories that began thusly: "Amid all the worry about Katrina, what about the pets that were left behind?..." But the simple fact is that now, weeks after the event, and in the wake of another, lesser storm, the same news shows are still returning to this topic as though it ranks right up there with the malfeasance of FEMA or the nincompoopery of the administration. Operation Puppy Cat apparently outranks Operation Save Humans. The stories of abandoned animals get more play than those of abandoned children. Both stories are being used for decidedly unworthy purposes: to get middle-aged housewives to watch CNN during the daytime. Hence, the lack of a point to any of the stories: "Bill, I have to say that I have never, never seen anything like this. A mama cat has given birth to eleven kittens right here in the Superdome and she is doing fine. What resilience these little balls of life have! How inspiring! Don't mins that shadow behind me, it's just a dead human..."

No one has asked, but I'll offer anyway. Shoot the fucking animals.
Aside from considerations of disease, they are a decent food source (if you can eat a 'possum...). They also take up resources that living, breathing people could use--people who may not be living and breathing too much longer if the powers-that-be don't stop relentlessly harping on the dire plight of dumb animals. At this point, our media has become like a violent schizophrenic: one minute wallowing orgiastically in the shameful degradation of desperate humans who are steps from death, the next minute cooing and farting over puppy dogs and widdle kitties.

Liberals don't help. This kind of news coverage, it can safely be said, is tailor-made for them. Just as liberals think it's just peachy to have an anti-war protest where everyone in attendance has a different message to scream about ("Jews out of Palestine! Women Need the Bomb! Children's Emancipation! Marmots are People Too! Oh, and Get Out of Iraq!"), so does the news believe that meaningful conveyance of information can be achieved through diffuse reporting. Liberals, if the message boards at AmericaBlog.com are any indication, are schizophrenic.

And, worst of all, they love animals. No, they REALLY, really, love them. Republicans like dogs, even faggy little terriers like that rag Bush has (tie it to a stick and wash your car). Democrats (and sure, I treat "liberal" and "Democrat" as one and the same, for all intents and purposes) love all animals, because Democrats don't believe in hierarchy. People may have evolved from lower animals, but that doesn't mean we're better than they. No, we have to treat our pets like members of the family--which means that, like our children, we have to let them piss and shit all over us, literally and figuratively.

Well, here it is: fuck you, douchebags. I've had it up to here with the animal rights shit and I can't take any more. I have two arguments for the next bleeding-at-the-gums animal rights person I see: right fist, left fist. Get serious or get out of politics. With Republicans in charge, there's a good chance we're all going to die in some horrible way and yet I suspect that, stupid shits that you are, you'll probably use the bullets on your precious kitties and leave yourselves to starve to death.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Bill James, Incontinent antichrist

Bill James, vanguard of modern democracy and Draconian Mosaic Law, has taken issue with possible election fraud in Lesser Whore of Babylon, otherwise known as Charlotte. The problem? 464 voters registering using – gasp! – corporate addresses as their residence. For shame! Screw Ohio and Florida, this is the real problem. Thanks, Bill, for jumping on this very important breach in the integrity of our electoral system. (I should mention, as a marginally relevant aside, that these voters are homeless). "If I have to disclose an address and you have to disclose an address, then ... so do they," James said. Hey, shithead, homeless people don't have an address – that's kinda sorta what being fucking homeless means, which might explain why they're using the physical addresses of places like the Salvation Army on their registration. But thank you Bill, for alleviating the burden of participatory democracy from our homeless neighbors.

By law, these people have the right to request a hearing about this. James, faithful public servant that he is, promises to be at any and all of the hearings: "I said I am going to bring a thermos of coffee and a supply of Depends undergarments if that's necessary." So what you are saying, Bill, is that the piss and shit spewing from your mouth is equal to that which comes out of your posterior, and you can't control either orifice? Is that what ya'll mean when you say "fair and balanced?"

New Rule: Anybuddy running on the Sky-God Morality platform must use Dietrich Bonhoeffer's exposition on the Sermon on the Mount as their source code of morality. There's my bipartisanship, and therein lies the real meaning of responsibility, asshole.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Yeah...OK

The headline at Yahoo! News says "Iran gets reprieve in nuclear standoff". Because, yeah--Iran was the one that looked stupid in this whole thing. Not the big, bad USA, despot of the UN Security Council (somebody also explain to me how we can get our panties into such a tight wad over malfeasance by an organization that is practically run by, um, us?!). No, our empty threats towards the one country in the region that really might be able to kick our asses don't make us look bad. No, it's Iran. Iran is the dickhead here.

While we're headed that way (again) could we please stop off in Israel and get back some of the nuclear technology it stole from us over the last 50 years? Hello? (crickets)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Solidarity

To steal a great idea from the Freeway Blogger, I would like to propose a cooperative venture to bring monthly political lessons to the masses. Since, God knows, nobody but a self-selecting sample reads blogs, I think concerned citizens across this distressed nation should band together to get the public conscience in gear.

The proposal is really very simple: one person in a metropolitan area volunteers to make one bedsheet-sized sign per month, and then that person (and any accomplices) hangs the sign from a freeway overpass where thousands of commuters will see it. Classics from the Freeway Blogger include "Osama Bin Forgotten" and "I attacked America on 9/11 and all I got was away with it."

How's my proposal any different from the Freeway Blogger, you ask?

Well...
For maximum effect (and because when word gets around, the authorities might mistake this for a larger movement) the phrases on the signs will be identical across the country. Members will propose a slogan, have it voted on, and the winner will get his/her idea printed on a bunch of banners that month. The next month, we'll have a new vote and a new sign.

My current nominee is "If you lived in New Orleans, you'd be dead by now." I plan to put it up for this year's September 11th celebration of the Republicans' culture of death.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

March of the Sheeple

It is often said that perceiving the difference between parody and reality within the subjects of fundamentalist religion and creationism is nearly impossible. Some of the radical right have apparently taken to the story illustrated in March of the Penguins – the Best Almost Documentary of the Year but at Least it's French – as an illustration of God's Great Republican Family Value Plan(tm). Jebus they must be kidding themselves.

Penguins practice what we would call, among humans, serial monogamy – breeding (or in our case fucking, unless you're Christian, then I guess it's just straightforward breeding, sans the fun stuff). They pair up, but only for that season. Therefore, they aren't monogamous in the Dobsonian sense, and that kinda wrecks the whole fundamentalist argument against divorce and such, which basically translates into "stand by your man who beats you every weekend, cause his beatings are less severe than what Gawd gon' ta give ya' on Judgment Day if you break the vow." Were the fundamentalists a little more careful, they could have picked macaws, which do tend to mate for life. But then macaws raise a number of questions that require Darwinian theory to explain. Penguins do too, of course, but the producers of March of the Penguins somehow missed the crux of the story (to be fair, it's still a damn good movie).

Biologists are quick to point out on matters like this that "ought cannot be derived from is." Conservative Christians and creationists, on the other hand, hand-pick evidence to prove an invalid point while ignoring the full body of evidence. It would be just as easy to take the penguin's narrative to say, hey, that God fella is a really sadistic motherfucker, what with giving them fat penguins short little legs unsuitable for so much walking, and putting them on a frozen continent where their precious eggs will die almost immediately if they roll out from under their parent bird. Why does Jebus hate birds!?!?!?

And as for the Republican Family Values argument, re: evidence, the teen birthrate is roughly half what it was in the Perfect Happy Days of 1957. Tell a Moral Majority type person that, and the best response you get is, "Is NOT, is NOT!" Facts? What the hell are those?

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Michael Brown, Horse Fancier

...meet Mr. Paulison, duct tape enthusiast.

In the "progress: just a word" file, we find that Mr. Paulison, the man who urged us all to buy duct tape to ward off chemical and nuclear attacks, is now the acting head of FEMA.

Incidentally, while he was mouthing weird urban legends, why didn't Paulison tell people to cover themselves with cockroaches? We all know the little buggers can withstand anything.

That's what they call a lack of creative thinking, right there. Yep.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Wrath of God-type Stuff...

Experience has shown that 2-out-of-3 dumbocracy readers don't follow sports, but allow me to suggest, anyway, that the hurricane may well have been God's last, best chance to take out rapist, sodomite, and New Orleans Hornets owner George Shinn. This guy is a real piece of scum, and he used to belong exclusively to the Queen City until New Orleans invited the little bloodsucking turd to move on down to the bayou and bring the team with him. The idea was to build in some top-notch entertainment to keep the rich white tourists happy, while also appealing to the majority of urbanites. For the record, yes, the NBA has become all about marketing to young, black men. But to get yourself a franchise by making a deal with a puke bag like Shinn, that's asking for trouble.

And, surprise! only three years after taking the team out of Charlotte, George is now talking about how hard it will be for him to stick around New Orleans. Well, N.O., he's your corporate citizen now. You wooed him, you got him. Don't count on any assistance from him, though--there won't be any Hornets-sponsored food drives or offers to fund shelters or any of that nonsense. No, see, the team actually needs YOUR help, in the form of a new arena, some more tax breaks, a new private jet, you get the picture...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Stupid Calling Asshole, Come In, Asshole...

"This administration is not going to rest until every life is saved, until every family is reconnected, until the recovery is complete," (Bush) said.

So sayeth President Smirk.

A few thoughts: wouldn't saving every life have meant building a time machine and going back to the week you were on vacation while people were stranded in New Orleans? And also, wouldn't you need to go back and help them after the storm hit, when you were STILL on vacation, along with Condi Two Shoes, Cheney, and Rumsfeld (by God, I think he took a week off to actually look for his ass with a map and a flashlight!).

Or, if not that, are you saying that you intend to re-animate all the dead bodies in order to make good on your pledge to "save every life"?

Great, George: zombies. Just what we needed.

"We Got Our Own Rape Rooms...heh heh heh..."

Hey, if Bush can crack jokes about his overindulgence in New Orleans while people are dying, why should we expect the police to act civilized? According to a British report, women are being told to show rescuers their tits or else not get rescued. I'm sure Chimpy is thrilled. Latest reports indicate that he now wants an escorted "boat tour" of the devastated areas.

Monday, September 05, 2005

God Bless Keith Olbermann

...and God damn George W. Bush

From Olbermann:

The "city" of Louisiana

SECAUCUS — Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said it all, starting his news briefing Saturday afternoon: "Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater..."

Well there's your problem right there.

If ever a slip-of-the-tongue defined a government's response to a crisis, this was it.

The seeming definition of our time and our leaders had been their insistence on slashing federal budgets for projects that might’ve saved New Orleans. The seeming characterization of our government that it was on vacation when the city was lost, and could barely tear itself away from commemorating V.J. Day and watching Monty Python's Flying Circus, to at least pretend to get back to work. The seeming identification of these hapless bureaucrats: their pathetic use of the future tense in terms of relief they could’ve brought last Monday and Tuesday — like the President, whose statements have looked like they’re being transmitted to us by some kind of four-day tape-delay.

But no. The incompetence and the ludicrous prioritization will forever be symbolized by one gaffe by of the head of what is ironically called “The Department of Homeland Security”: “Louisiana is a city…”

Politician after politician — Republican and Democrat alike — has paraded before us, unwilling or unable to shut off the "I-Me" switch in their heads, condescendingly telling us about how moved they were or how devastated they were — congenitally incapable of telling the difference between the destruction of a city and the opening of a supermarket. And as that sorry recital of self-absorption dragged on, I have resisted editorial comment. The focus needed to be on the efforts to save the stranded — even the internet's meager powers were correctly devoted to telling the stories of the twin disasters, natural... and government-made.

But now, at least, it is has stopped getting exponentially worse in Mississippi and Alabama and New Orleans and Louisiana (the state, not the city). And, having given our leaders what we know now is the week or so they need to get their act together, that period of editorial silence I mentioned, should come to an end. No one is suggesting that mayors or governors in the afflicted areas, nor the federal government, should be able to stop hurricanes. Lord knows, no one is suggesting that we should ever prioritize levee improvement for a below-sea-level city, ahead of $454 million worth of trophy bridges for the politicians of Alaska.

But, nationally, these are leaders who won re-election last year largely by portraying their opponents as incapable of keeping the country safe. These are leaders who regularly pressure the news media in this country to report the reopening of a school or a power station in Iraq, and defies its citizens not to stand up and cheer. Yet they couldn't even keep one school or power station from being devastated by infrastructure collapse in New Orleans — even though the government had heard all the "chatter" from the scientists and city planners and hurricane centers and some group whose purposes the government couldn't quite discern... a group called The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

And most chillingly of all, this is the Law and Order and Terror government. It promised protection — or at least amelioration — against all threats: conventional, radiological, or biological.

It has just proved that it cannot save its citizens from a biological weapon called standing water.

Mr. Bush has now twice insisted that, "we are not satisfied," with the response to the manifold tragedies along the Gulf Coast. I wonder which "we" he thinks he's speaking for on this point. Perhaps it's the administration, although we still don't know where some of them are. Anybody seen the Vice President lately? The man whose message this time last year was, 'I'll Protect You, The Other Guy Will Let You Die'?

I don't know which 'we' Mr. Bush meant.

For many of this country's citizens, the mantra has been — as we were taught in Social Studies it should always be — whether or not I voted for this President — he is still my President. I suspect anybody who had to give him that benefit of the doubt stopped doing so last week. I suspect a lot of his supporters, looking ahead to '08, are wondering how they can distance themselves from the two words which will define his government — our government — "New Orleans."

For him, it is a shame — in all senses of the word. A few changes of pronouns in there, and he might not have looked so much like a 21st Century Marie Antoinette. All that was needed was just a quick "I'm not satisfied with my government's response." Instead of hiding behind phrases like "no one could have foreseen," had he only remembered Winston Churchill's quote from the 1930's. "The responsibility," of government, Churchill told the British Parliament "for the public safety is absolute and requires no mandate. It is in fact, the prime object for which governments come into existence."

In forgetting that, the current administration did not merely damage itself — it damaged our confidence in our ability to rely on whoever is in the White House.

As we emphasized to you here all last week, the realities of the region are such that New Orleans is going to be largely uninhabitable for a lot longer than anybody is yet willing to recognize. Lord knows when the last body will be found, or the last artifact of the levee break, dug up. Could be next March. Could be 2100. By then, in the muck and toxic mire of New Orleans, they may even find our government's credibility.

Somewhere, in the City of Louisiana.

E-mail:
KOlbermann@msnbc.com

And yet we are not rioting in the streets across this country. I guess nobody cares about all the AMERICANS dying in the flooded streets of New Orleans. Fuck 'em, right?...in the cult of ME, nobody else matters.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Another One Down...

William Rehnquist is dead. Some highlights of his career:

"Rehnquist was the force behind the court's push for greater states' rights. The chief justice has been the leader of five conservatives, sometimes called "the Rehnquist five," who generally advocate limited federal government interference.

Those five — Rehnquist and O'Connor, Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, and Thomas — have voted together to strike down federal laws intended to protect female victims of violent crime and keep guns away from schools, on grounds that those issues were better dealt with at the local level. They split, however, in a recent decision upholding the federal government's right to ban sick people from smoking marijuana even in states that have laws allowing the treatment.

The Rehnquist five were together in the Bush v. Gore decision, which critics predicted would tarnish the court's hard-won luster. The closing paragraph of a book Rehnquist wrote on the court's history may stand as his answer to criticism....

He had deflected criticism about his views on race during his 1971 confirmation, and the one 15 years later when he became chief justice. As a law clerk to Justice Robert Jackson, Rehnquist wrote memos in 1952 that appeared to suggest Jackson should oppose Brown v. Board of Education, the landmark ruling that declared public school segregation unconstitutional.

As chief justice, Rehnquist drew complaints when he led a group of lawyers and judges in a rendition of "Dixie" at a conference in Virginia in 1999. He did not respond to a black lawyers' organization that called the song an offensive "symbol of slavery and oppression."

Burn in Hell, you fucking disgrace.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Jesus Christ

An 18 year-old kid steals a bus in New Orleans and drives 100 people to Houston and safety. Good kid, right? Hero, you might even say.

No, he's in trouble with the law, because, see, he's black. And in this country, we don't take kindly to niggers doing whatever they feel like. Is that a clear enough summation of America's racial attitude? So put his ass in Guantanamo. He should have stayed and died with the rest of America's Most Unwanted down in New Orleans.

Against all odds, this thing just keeps getting worse.

Somebody's Lying: Is it the White House or the People Who are Actually IN New Orleans?

From CNN.com

Conditions in the Convention Center

FEMA chief Brown: We learned about that (Thursday), so I have directed that we have all available resources to get that convention center to make sure that they have the food and water and medical care that they need. (See video of Brown explaining how news reports alerted FEMA to convention center chaos. -- 2:11)

Mayor Nagin: The convention center is unsanitary and unsafe, and we are running out of supplies for the 15,000 to 20,000 people. (Hear Nagin's angry demand for soldiers. 1:04)

CNN Producer Kim Segal: It was chaos. There was nobody there, nobody in charge. And there was nobody giving even water. The children, you should see them, they're all just in tears. There are sick people. We saw... people who are dying in front of you.

Evacuee Raymond Cooper: Sir, you've got about 3,000 people here in this -- in the Convention Center right now. They're hungry. Don't have any food. We were told two-and-a-half days ago to make our way to the Superdome or the Convention Center by our mayor. And which when we got here, was no one to tell us what to do, no one to direct us, no authority figure.

The federal response:

Brown: Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well.

Homeland Security Director Chertoff: Now, of course, a critical element of what we're doing is the process of evacuation and securing New Orleans and other areas that are afflicted. And here the Department of Defense has performed magnificently, as has the National Guard, in bringing enormous resources and capabilities to bear in the areas that are suffering.

Crowd chanting outside the Convention Center: We want help.

Nagin: They don't have a clue what's going on down there.

Phyllis Petrich, a tourist stranded at the Ritz-Carlton: They are invisible. We have no idea where they are. We hear bits and pieces that the National Guard is around, but where? We have not seen them. We have not seen FEMA officials. We have seen no one.

*I can't help but feel that, were this Britain and we British, the news would be of people sucking it up and going to incredible lengths to maintain civilization in the face of chaos.
But I also feel that, were this Britain, Bush would be strung up by his balls right now. His children and his children's children would live in perpetual shame for the way he has utterly, deliberately failed to protect his country.

Liar. Murderer. Traitor.