This One's For The Boys

This place (link) cuts men's hair (supposedly). All I know is, first, I will never set foot in this place; and b., check out the website!

The highlights (pun, ha!):

*Services: (brace yourself):

Haircut - includes "facework" and "mini facial." Just for you, Greg!

Rest Facial - "cleanser, moisturizer, conditioner, and steam towel"...it's like describing a four-person blowbang to your grandmother!

Get Zen for this one: "Trimwork - Hair, neck and face maintenance." That's what she said!

Personal Services - "Shoe care, tailoring, dry cleaning and house cleaning." ?

No, really, ?

All services come with "complimentary beverages and concierge support" -- what the hell is that? Dry cleaning comes with a beverage? Is "concierge support" the same as "turn your head and cough"? (I don't speak the French, you know, but I'm learning pidgen Gay.)

Hand and Foot Care:

Hand Treatment - "For the gentleman who gets it on a regular" (sic) "...finish with a high gloss buff or matte polish."

OK. What the fuck does that mean? The "polish" part I've got; it means manicures are an abomination, or else they're offering me a hot dog -- it's hard to tell in written form. But "for the gentleman who gets it on a regular" -- gets what? Manicures? Pussy? My mind, she is bent!

Foot Treatment - all you need to know is that it ends with a "chillaxing massage." In a time machine. Set to 2007.

"Rough Around the Edges Hand Treatment - For the hard working hand...neglected the callous buildup, cut someone with a handshake, or left a welt on your mate..." Left a welt on your mate...oh, I get it. Manicures: the solution for domestic abusers who are tired of using a rolled-up magazine! But "cut someone with a handshake"? I think you're doing it wrong if that's the case. The complementary foot treatment frees you from "foot shame," which I mean, come on, we all know about that, am I right? It ends with "the rubdown of champions," which I must assume is a variant, by request, of either the Filipino Flogging, the Nanking Nutroll, or the South Carolina Gribble (also known locally as the "Sandlap"). Pretty sure.

Finally, let it be noted and forever remembered that the Signature Foot Treatment includes a "diamond chip foot file," which makes baby Jesus and starving orphans everywhere cry.

On to Products!

The line of purported men's products at this salon is fairly limited, but through careful review I have determined that it is exactly right for whatever you may be expecting, be it face cream, upper-lip foam, spoogy gel, cheek wash, stubble stick, or any of noted practitioner F. Ella Tio's worked-up lathers.

Let's begin with "Jack Black"'s line of squeezy tubes. These include "Face Buff," a movie I also saw, and "Beard Lube," as well as "Hand Healer," which was an unreleased Marvin Gaye track from the sessions with Columbia Records in '82. Beard Lube comes in a 16 oz. pump bottle, because hey, "you asked." But, does it numb and lubricate, or am I still going to feel some pressure...there? The best part of the site is "Ask Jack," where fake people ask made-up questions of the wise Mr. Black, or at least his underpaid intern-slash-webmaster: "What is the difference between Beard Lube Conditioning Shave and Supreme Cream Triple Cushion Shave Lather?" What a fucking great question! The answer is, "nothing! They're both jizz-based!" And, because I'm sure you are as bored with this totally jizz-based paragraph, we're moving on!

aMENity (what? I don't get it.) is another fine, retarded company supplying products to whats-its-name salon that I almost forgot about because this post has gone on way past long enough. Here's a testimonial: "When I go out, I like to look good. That mean's doing what fits my own personal style. I like Amenity because it feels good on my head. It works better than any product on the market and I've tried them all." Can you count the things wrong with that statement? If not, really, go check out the pictures. This must be a joke, right?

There is eShave, which I firmly believe is a computer program that shaves men through instant messaging (I confess that I cut myself shaving just this morning, quite severely actually, so I'm not going to throw too much shit on eShave. But I will point out that, just like half the restrooms in Wisconsin, eShave has a section about "Badger Hair."

Finally, we come to balla. You read that right. I encourage everyone to check this out, now! Under "where to buy," there is a picture of a hand holding $60. Serious. Sixty whole motherfucking US dollars, yo! Balla!

Also, balla has testimonials. From. Three. People. Did I mention this is a product you sprinkle on your balls to keep them dry? Read the disarmingly nonsensical customer reviews and marvel. Do not miss the press releases, either, which go to great lengths to describe what the product does, why it does it, and why everyone loves the "subtle, manly scent" you can only get from balla nut sugar -- or, you know, from my balls, which have the subtle, manly scent of, well, balls. Like most things genital, if it smells like something else, you fucked up and nobody likes fucked up genitals!

Marvel at this picture and the text beside it. For, truly, nothing (nothing!) on this earth says both "dry" AND "comfortable" like sitting in the ocean wearing only socks and a button-down while reading the newspaper.

Enjoy "how to apply" (you really are a dimwit, huh?), especially the advice that it's nigh impossible to dump scrote powder into your boxers without getting a bunch of it on your shoes. Because you wear boxer shorts, no pants, AND SHOES so fucking often! I am dying over here! Stop it! Please! ...Europe! (sound of me peeing on my balla-dusted boxers and shoes.)

Balla is not going to try to get in your pants. Balla WILL get in there. Balla is the Nazis of taint-glazing and balla is coming for your lady friends' tongues and nasal comfort! Balla has a language barrier but balla totally overcame that shizz and now is much to being on your nether regions and minds! Balla sometimes clumps on pubic hair and WILL coat the roof of your mouth and prevent normal intimacy as well as second dates. Balla has a sports car. Balla quite fortunately rubs off as fast as the douchebags who buy balla. Balla!

Balla will make clammy sacks a thing of the past and will put bat wings on the endangered species list.