So...about those "free markets," you Republican fuckwads...?

Found this picture at 51st and Blackstone. Is it YOU?

Not Sure How Else to Respond

OK, this is weird. Somebody actually left a really great, insightful comment on this post. So, naturally, I have to post it here, since, really, it might be the last one. Special thanks for the Antiseen tag.



Josh said:"That's it. That is the height of Left political strategy. (Poor) people are stupid. They don't vote their interest (which, of course, no one remembered to tell them about) and so there you have it: they're just dumb."The problem, as I see it, is that, at least down here, the "poor" do vote their interest, but only on the periphery, and therefore miss the whole f'ing point of it all. It's about keeping mah guns and fighting the gay peoples, and of course, those dirty muslim terrists. The radical Right has succesfully placated and catered to the machismo, base fears of the "working poor man," and that is why they are winning.I certainly don't consider working people dumb, but we are generally ignorant when it comes to politics (if only because we are too busy working to find time to read, but that's a bit of a cop-out), and easily swayed by emotional arguments. The fact that Bush, who could not argue his way out of a paper bag, convinced a majority to vote for his illiterate ass illustrates this.The most vitriolic opposition I find against the Left comes from the working class, at least here in the South. Nevermind that the Left is, theoretically, arguing for the benefit of the workers - the Right invokes Jebus, and therefore wins, as religion is the fundamental source of comfort for the unwashed masses in the West.Herein lies one of the two problems with the Left. Outside of the Unitarians, the Left lacks a material, social structure in which to proliferate its ideals - Christian churches. The Right has all the other churches, more or less, and here in the South, it's all about church. You can't argue, rationally, with Jebusland. Nevermind that Jebus was something of a leftist himself - Christianity has morphed into some bizarre chimera that has nothing to do with Jebus anyway, as the Dobsonian lambasting of SpongeBob makes frighteningly clear.More to the point, as far as I can see, the Left has done a conspicuously poor job of articulating its strategy and intent, especially to it's most important constituency - the working poor. All too often, what with the alignment of the Left and Academia, the arguments are lost on the voting populace. The Right has shown that rational arguments are irrelevant in the political sphere (Plato was apparently right on that), but the Left is lagging in a counter-attack. The motives and goals of the Right are clear, whereas the Left is some nebulous hodgepodge of good ideas and a whole hell of a lot of utter bullshit.Our ideas as Leftists leave us at a disadvantage in playing politics, cause we believe in progress and reality. But we are far too pusillanimous in articulating a workable strategy. It is clear that the rules of the game require the winner to use unsavory strategies. This is definitively opposed to Leftist ideals, I think.Therefore, I think the Left should begin to play the moral game, which has worked quite well for the Right. I mean, we're supposed to be the relativists, but the Right is currently playing moral relativism to the extreme - abortion wrong, killing Iraqis right. WTF? I think we can beat them on the issue of morality, and perhaps that's the card we should begin to play. There, we can certainly win. Now if only we can appeal to Jebusland on this, we'll get a foothold. . . .Jamie"stuck in charlotte, north carolina" - antiseen



At 10:07 PM, Josh said...
Excellent points, all. I agree with your assessment of both the problems of the Left (and I think you'll agree that those conditions you describe pervade everything the Left attempts) and the incredibly stupid politics of the Right.But, I still wrestle with the problem as I see it: I just can't lose my faith in something called "the People".Maybe it's guilt, maybe it's stubborness, maybe it's the fact that, to my mind, admitting the idiocy of the masses would be the same as proclaiming the superiority of the rich and educated (the Right and Left, respectively). I have to believe that there is, in fact, at least one other group out there, one unconnected to either party in a permanent way.From my experience with dumb-ass country fucks, I can say that they are, in fact, extremely thoughtful, surprising people (for the most part; there's bound to be shit in any group). These are people who know Bush is retarded. They know Republicans are selfish whores. They KNOW we're getting fucked; THEY'RE getting fucked--but yet they voted for the party of privilege, waste, oppression, and so on. I cannot figure it. They deliberatley hurt themselves and I am asking "what for?" It can't be as easy as Jesus made them do it. What DID they think they were doing?Which is why, though I share your view of the Left and its problems, I have to think there is something more to the Right and its (temporary?) followers that we both do not see. NOBODY would fall for that Jesus shit, right?



right?

Sorry, Uncle Ben: Meet Uncle Tom's Rice

All-around race traitor and cocksucking whore Conndododol%&eeeezzzzzzZZaaaee#@ Rice began her confirmation hearing today, and she started it off in uber-Bitch mode, as usual.
"Please don't impugn my integrity," she barked at Barbara Boxer. She then added, "I am doing just fine on my own, thank you."
Rice then proceeded to steamroll a bunch of weak-kneed Democrat faggots before triumphally announcing that her reign would be one of vengeance and wrath, yadda, yadda, yadda. Rice wore a blazer made of frizzled Iraqi scrotums to the hearing, accessorized nicely by a smart-looking pair of boots made from Arab baby skin, and a necklace of human ears.
In a final indignity, Rice insulted the intelligence of everyone within earshot by attempting to keep herself relevant by declaring that her former bailiwick, Russia, was the key to understanding and achieving world harmony and stability.
No, you dumb bitch. CHINA. NORTH KOREA. EUROPE.
This step-n-fetchit minstrel is so fucking stupid she would whistle Dixie in front of a lynch mob. If the Senate had anyone with a pair of balls on the hearing committee, that's exactly what would have happened today. And come sundown, there would have been one less asslicking toady on the public payroll; the collective IQ in Washington would have gone up 3 or 4 points; and "Con#d$i" could have been safely back in California, consoling herself by being the centerpiece of a "Schwarzenegger and friends" group-grope.

What are YOU looking at?

Eschaton

I used to read this blog called Eschaton (atrios.blogspot.com), and it was alright for a while. Before the election, back when we thought we would win, back when people said, "Nobody is dumb enough to vote for that asshole twice," and "There aren't enough votes for Bush to get any more than he did last time," that's when I read this thing. Lots of people on there. Lots of lefties. Lots of disdain for the Right. Good times.
The problem was after the election, when it was apparent that we got beat on the most basic levels--Kerry conceded the only real issue, the war, to Bush; nobody bothered to organize the lower classes; the Democrats let the Repukes set the rules and then let them break them with impunity; the Left allowed the Right to literally count the votes--that was when I soured on Eschaton. There was a lot of crying and gnashing of teeth, as well as a little searching for a higher truth in the devastation. Mostly, though, there was a lot of talk about what to do as a reasonable minority in an insane nation.
That was precisely the problem, though. The next step when you have given it all away is to take back what you need. In other words, to start taking scalps. Oh no, said the eschatonians, we mustn't stoop to that level. Better to build up ties with other reasonable folk (a minority, especially by their own calculations, so where do the votes come from??). Still, and again, no suggestion whatsoever of reaching out to the poor, the working classes, the nominal Republicans who happened by accident to live in red states. Lots of scorn for them, though. The most common refrain, in itself a justification for the failure to connect with the southern poor, was "people (by which we understand that the common man, the public, is being talked about) are stupid." That's it. That is the height of Left political strategy. (Poor) people are stupid. They don't vote their interest (which, of course, no one remembered to tell them about) and so there you have it: they're just dumb. No one here but us trees, thank you.
Here's what's so frustrating about being the Last Registered Democrat: the party wants, wants to be the Loyal Opposition. CNN even labeled it as such in its inaugural coverage, and Joe Lieberman looked like he had jizzed his pants. Why not have a King, after all, if it means you get to politely make suggestions and receive, not the annihilation you would have gotten under the old politics, but instead a nice pat on the head and a promise that the Boy-King will take it into consideration? Who needs to fight in the trenches when the other side is offering starting positions as lapdogs?
The left won't get its hands dirty, and the high road, in this case, clearly leads to irrelevance. The Republicans are fat and happy, and they aren't watching for the long knives. They've gotten sloppy and left scandal after scandal lying around for anyone to pick up and run with. So fucking DO IT already! Did the fight go out of the democrats with Tip O'Neill? Not only can it not filibuster, it can't even make an anonymous phonecall. FUCK.

Idle Minds, Idle Feet

Why would America's founders have settled in some of the least desireable areas the whole country has to offer? When I see a homeless person in Chicago, or NY, or DC, I always wonder, "Why don't you just start walking South?" Not to suggest that homelessness can be remedied by migration, but freezing to death can be. Similarly, I wonder why, in light of Massachusetts' horrific winters, Virginia's slightly less-crappy winters (but far more brutal summers), and the obviously warmer Caribbean climate, the English didn't head South. What the bizzalls were they thinking? Moreover, why do the majority of Americans STILL live in the Northeast and Midwest? The climate is fanfuckingtastically bad. Also, the people are fat, to a man. Is manliness (and, I suppose, womanliness) so integrally tied to triumph over nature? Is it sane for people to welcome misery for five months out of the year just so they can say that they are survivors?

John Winthrop was a dick. Same for John Smith.

Shit!

A local academic, walking into his assigned lecture hall on the first day of class, suddenly began exclaiming, "Shit! Shit! Shit!" much to the astonishment of his students and his TAs. When one of the graduate students approached him and quietly inquired as to the problem, suggesting as well that the professor might be freaking out his young charges, the man simply repeated his assertion, "Shit!" and pointed to a seat in the front row where, just as he had noted, there lay a heaping pile of shit.
In the twenty minutes it took to get a janitor to remove the awful offal, the professor, no longer burdened by his unique knowledge, embarked upon his own scatological journey into the bowels of American history. His students, perhaps including the Mad Defecator himself, were by all accounts quite sad to receive no reprieve from class.

Alien Nation

What is the nature of good citizenship?
Surely it is not only love of one's country. Horrible people love their country--it's the physical space whose conventions and myths encourage their bad behavior. I love America, in part, because it stands for boorishness; the nation allows me to say whatever I like about anyone I care to smear. It asks only that I use good sense; however, such a request is antithetical to the very concept. After all, anyone who would claim to dislike firetrucks, pie, and people with yellow ribbon stickers on their cars cannot be expected to tread carefully.
I digress. And I digress again: The country I love is a romantic fantasy. It is the America of hard lives and hard lessons, but in my version everything works out in the end. We admire and in turn are admired by the world. Underneath our bluster and posturing, the rest of humanity understands, there is a simple collective mind, always lumbering to aid those on the side of Right. That is, a cosmic "Right," a Jimmy Stewart Right. I don't think it's too much to ask. But then again, I'm not one of the horrible people in charge.

So what is the mark of true citizenship? Can it be sacrifice? It would be remarkable to see Americans, alone or collectively, abandon their suicidal devotion to individualism just long enough to do one selfless act. But, is that service to the nation? Is basic humanity patriotic? Common decency, I think, is not citizenship.

Perhaps the mark of a true citizen is his willingness to tear down the nation he loves; to destroy it in hopes that it will reemerge in a finer form. But would one do so from within or without? Do we flee America and take up elsewhere, hoping not to be crushed by the long tentacles of the USA; or do we remain, dig in with both feet, and hope not to be crushed underneath the urban assault vehicles?

I suppose the ultimate question is: would it be more than a betrayal of faith to leave?

"I said, 'stop drinking right out of the carton!'"

An Army of Many, Many "Bad Apples"

Above, you will notice some of our brave boys relaxing after helping up an Iraqi--I mean, "terrorist"--who um, like slipped and fell down or something?

Soldiers are like cops: they signed up to get shot at. It's really that simple. Now, if they didn't want to get shot at, then they picked the wrong line of work. The fellows in this photo obviously don't have any intention of putting themselves at risk in any way. They clearly have a "shoot first, never ask questions" mentality. Look, being a soldier (or a cop) isn't too difficult: you PROTECT others by SACRIFICING yourself. You don't TERRORIZE others to protect YOURSELF. If you do, you are no longer a servant (you know, like "in the service"?), you are a tyrant. A murderer. A butcher. I would rather that all of our soldiers died than have one innocent person killed by them. That's what this country used to tell people it stood for. Nowadays, we would rather carpet-bomb a preschool than risk losing one Marine.

THIS is America? This is what God hath wrought? God is dead. America is dead. Here's hoping that those who disgrace the country meet the same fate. If we all have to die, fine; I want these pieces of shit to go first.

The City that Spits

Chicago has three defining features to its citizenry. One is that they are all singularly uninquisitive about the world around them. Whether it's the South, West, or Midwest in general, or a beautiful sunshiny afternoon or a picturesque snowstorm, Chicagoans couldn't give less of a shit about it. They would apparently prefer to sit in traffic or drive to any enclosed space (like a box store or chain restaurant). What gives?
Second is that everyone smokes. Even I noticed it, and I'm from North Carolina, a state that produces more tobacco per square foot of land than any place on earth. Really, these fuckers up here smoke like chimneys. Just from walking down the sidewalk, behind and by these cigarette fiends, I think I now qualify as a smoker myself. No wonder there are so many respiratory ailments here.
Lastly, just about evry person in this town spits.
Now, I have seen and even done some pretty disgusting things; still do. But, I don't spit. When I played baseball, it made good sense to. One might get a mouthful of dirt; or for instance, one might reason that that tobacco juice wasn't going to expel itself without some expectoracious assistance. (is that even a word? fuck it.) But in mixed (and polite) company, IN PUBLIC, it is a disgusting, subhuman thing to do. Particularly in a big city, where kids could step in it, bums could fall in it, animals could eat it, shoes, brooms, and pushcarts could roll through it...continue on at your own risk. I'm getting nauseous.
I have seen people unintentionally spit on each other. I have seen people spit indoors and outdoors, on the el and on the bus and in the grocery store. I have seen a cop arrest a guy for spitting on him. I have seen someone spit on a mounted cop's horse, causing it to run out in traffic. I have seen nuns spit, professors spit, city employees spit (and then sweep it up). It's incredibly foul.
The most striking thing about it is that not one person has ever, in my earshot, said a fucking thing to anyone about this.

And now it's snowing. Come Spring, there'll be two equally disturbing things thawing on every sidewalk in town: dogshit and loogies.

"This just in! American IQ falls further; DOW up sharply on new sales of mobile homes, antidepressants, and penile stimulants!"

Bush Jokes, Part 1

Courtesy of the rational radical and others.

I'm not saying these are funny. But I can't let this unauguration charade pass without giving it a kick in the ass. Just doing my part to start this, the sorriest chapter in American history, on its way to the dustbin!

George Bush Joke #1:
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

George Bush Joke #2
In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.
Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."
After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"
Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"
Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.
But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."
A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.
All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.
These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:
"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

George Bush Joke #3
While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner."So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about dumbo President Bush?"The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I should inform you that I am proud to work for the White House.""Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter. "I'll tell it slowly and explain it for you then."

George Bush Joke #4
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.
"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

George Bush Joke #5
There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my bookbag ..."

George Bush Joke #6 (Goddamn this is an old one)
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him."I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go.

George Bush Joke #7
Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W."I've got a problem," says W."What's the matter?" asks Cheney."Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges.""What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney."A big rooster," replies W."All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

George Bush Joke #8
A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl."Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?""Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary."Well, what are you then?" asks the teacher."I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks."Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too.""Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?"Mary smiled, "Then we'd be Republicans."

HaHaHahahahahahahahahaha. Hmmmm. Ha.


Shit.

Beer I Hate

Who are we kidding? All beer is good beer. Some should only be consumed if free, however. This list will help you make an informed beer choice and will steer you away from a bad purchase. I once bought a 12 of some Polish beer--it was shit. I was the saddest beer-drinking teenager that day. Really, it tasted like a cast iron bathtub after a bum pissed in it. Unfortunately, I cannot remember the name; it was so bad I think I blocked it out. Just don't buy foreign beer in a can, unless it's Tecate.

Bad Beer

Miller Genuine Draft
Trivia: MGD Light is actually pretty good.

Budweiser, all kinds
Trivia: Actual slogan used to be "The Ass of Beers"

Vergina
Trivia: It's Greek. It Sucks. Gyro.

OB
Trivia: Oriental beer made with rice. Sucky-sucky.

Heineken
Trivia: You have to be in the mood for this. And who gets in the mood to swallow piss?

Tsing-Tao
Trivia: Chinese. But you won't want another one in an hour.

High Life Light
Trivia: There is a wrong way to live the High Life.

Mickey's
Trivia: Everyone who has ever had one of these has been homeless at some point.

Red Stripe
Trivia: Way too $$. Smoke dope like a real Jamaican. 1/4 oz. same price.

Old Milwaukee
Trivia: Cousin says Beast Light is good. Need new family.

Sam Adams
Trivia: Shit sandwich.

Coors
Trivia: Republican fuckwads make shitty beer.

Rolling Rock
Trivia:If you give a blowjob for only one beer this month, make it not this one.


More as they occur to me. Now must sleep.

WTF is with the Cats?!?

WHY does every blogger have at least one cat? Is it somehow natural to be a cat-loving wackjob AND use the internet? What the fuck is that??

Jesus. This picture came with the program software. A little obvious, isn't it?

Around Chicago

For anyone looking into the cultural side of the city, the stage adaptation of Monty Python's Holy Grail is now playing downtown. Tickets start at $25. The cast includes Tim Curry, Hank Azaria, and David Hyde Pierce.
The Chicago Maroons (I know, I thought Bugs Bunny, too) have begun their "conference" basketball schedule. Already having beaten arch-"rival" Washington University, the Maroons are ripe for a string of bad losses. Anything under 20 points is considered a "victory". I understand that U of C students pride themselves on their witty heckling and, given the small size of the gym and poor attendance, you can heckle and then sit back, relax, sip your soda, and listen to your witticisms a second time as they echo throughout the building.
The UIC Fightin' Flames have all-but guaranteed that they need to win the Horizon "League" tournament to make the NCAAs again, as they are now 11-8 with losses to UW-Milwaukee, UW-Parkside, and Bowling Green. BOOOOoo!
The Oriental Institute will open its new East Asia wing on January 29. The exhibits will reportedly include selections from Iraq, Iran, and all the other ancient cultures Americans don't like. The Institute still has a suggested donation of $5, but I doubt anyone will pay that much to look at some pottery made by those goddamn towelheads. 'Murika ROCKS!
The Field Museum has opened its new exhibit, which features the clothing of Jackie Kennedy. Monday and Tuesday are free admission days. If you know a woman and you want to get laid, make plans to go.
The Chicago Cubs have concluded a craptacular offseason which saw them make exactly zero moves to contend next year. The Cubbies, sans Steve Stone, will feature an infield of Aramis Ramirez, Nomar Garciaparra, Todd Walker, Derrick Lee, and Michael Barrett. The outfield will feature 60-year old Sammy Sosa, Corey Patterson, and another aged twat as yet unnamed. Probably Todd Hollandsworth.
The White Sox (what else could cheer a Cubs fan?) did even more damage to their team without even taking the field, letting go of masher, RBI machine, and all-around badass Carlos Lee. His replacement will likely be a deaf mute, or someone equally able to absorb the screaming jeers he will get from fat, drunken White Sox fans. The Sox also, you will remember, traded away Esteban Loaiza last year for a vastly overrated Yankees pitcher (too redundant?), so that team is fucked. They still got Frank Thomas, though. With that artificial hip, look for him to fully run out every slow roller to the pitcher this season.
The Bulls, Bears, and Blackhawks all still stink. And that can be said without the Hawks even playing a game.
Anyone in the vicinity of 601 S. Morgan next Tuesday might wish to stop in and hear East Carolina University's Roger Biles deliver a paper on textile towns in eastern North Carolina. 2pm, room 950 University Hall. Should be damn exciting.

In Other News

My beloved UNC Tar Heels got thrashed yesterday by Wake Forest. I believe the final score was about 95-20. AND THIS SUCKS. Hopefully, now the Tar Heels have identified their big weakness (Sean May's foul trouble and Duke-like numbers of 3's attempted) and are ready to play at Duke in a few weeks. You have to hand it to Wake: they knew this was the only regular season meeting for these teams (thank you, ACC expansion and unbalanced schedule) and they layed it all out to get the win. Carolina just didn't play with the same intensity. Maybe they can't win on a hostile court. Still makes them a good NCAA team. I hope.

Interminable Gimmickery of the Spotty Effort

We saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other day. Aside from the utterly superfluous subplot involving the secretary and her "lost" memories (which came to a head out of fucking nowhere), it was a decent effort. The story, or idea, I suppose, was intriguing. The problem, though, is twofold. The director apparently received for Christmas a few years ago, a book entitled "1001 Camera Tricks and Pointers on Fitting them All into a Two-Hour Movie." That was one problem. Watch this film and don't get distracted. I dare you.
The other problem is that there is almost no character development in the film. Next to none. This is a major problem. See, Jim Carrey's character, who is something of a cipher, meets this ditzy extrovert on the beach in Montauk. They fall in love and then break up, and then both get their memories of the other erased to ease the pain. This is interesting so far, although Kate Winslet, who ought to be erased from cinema entirely for starring in that dog turd Titanic, is so unbelievably annoying for the first hour of the film that you might wish the film came with a memory wipe for the viewers, too.
Over the next hour or so, you'll be treated to the inner landscapes (but not inner workings!) of Jim's character's conscious and subconscious minds, as he decides that he wants to keep certain, intimate memories of his old flame and desperately tries to hide them, deeper and deeper in his brain, from the memory police who are trying to erase them. Sort of a Brazil meets The Matrix scenario: all the action takes place in Carrey's mind, but the environment is being manipulated from the outside and whatever he tries, the "bad guys" are right around the corner waiting to snatch his memories and reprogram him. Like I said, I dig the concept.
There is one particularly long and grating scene in which Carrey, transported back into his mother's kitchen, cowers under a table while his an oversized Winslet tromps around and converses with his mother. This, we might think, is finally where we'll get some insight into what the fuck is wrong with at least one of these people. To be brief: NO. What we are treated to is Carrey barely restraining his more aggravating tendencies (he comes so close, so often to mugging for the camera that that in itself is a distraction) and Winslet gibbering about the need to run and hide her memory further in Jimmy boy's subconscious. In the end, we get jack shit nothing about why Jim is the way he is. This will not be remedied in the subsequent scenes. Note to directors: If I don't understand the character or his motivations, then I probably also don't care about him. I will begin watching the background scenery if it is more interesting, and in this movie it is. That's a fatal fucking flaw, dude.
Now, someone argued with me about this just yesterday. They said, it's all in the subconscious, so there is no development, particularly of the girlfriend, since it's all projections of what Carrey wanted her to be. Not true, says I. The subconscious mind would pick up on little facts about a person without the observer being aware of it. If anything, the picture that emerges from the subconscious would be more accurate than that from the conscious. Thus, we ought to be seeing a more true picture of Winslet's (and Carrey's) character through these bizarre dreamscapes. Instead, we learn very, very little about them and, though we empathize with the heart-rending sense of loss that Carrey ultimately realizes he cannot outrun, we can feel no further. This is a movie about appearances and sets, not feelings, characters, or development. It's dead, lifeless, creepy. It might have been more than that.
The ending, for its part, is just bizarre. You can decide whether it belongs or whether it's just one twist too many. I feel that it's a sop to mopey art fags, the kind who will love this movie. Heartbreak, man, is like, eternal and inevitable, you know?

Stick it up your fucking ass, hippie.

States that begin with the Letter K

Kansas and Kenfucky played today in a college hoops blockbuster. 'Cept, both teams, despite being ranked #2 and #8, respectively, fucking suck.
Did you see it? Then shut up. This was a game that featured--FEATURED--a junior walk-on, Chris Moody of Kansas (recently of Asheville, NC), and a backup center, Dipshit Morris of Kenfucky. Why? Because practically the entire starting 10 players had fouled out with 10 minutes left in the first half. Both teams in the double bonus, neither squad particularly good at making free throws. D'oh!
Holy shit, what a godawful game. It was like watching a Republican gangbang--everybody was too soft to put it in the hole. The final score was 65-59; it was 25-21 at the half. The game sucked my hairy balls.
On a brighter note, I saw UNC knock Maryland the other day and I hope the Heels draw both K's in the tournament. It'll be just like when GW Bush goes down to the ranch--a real old fashioned horse fucking.
Oh, by the way: FUCK REPUBLICANS. Did you get that?

More Stupid People with Too Much Time on their Hands

Two linguists have apparently undertaken a study of the "distinctive" Texas dialect (you know, the one that makes you want to shit in your own ears just to prevent the sound from coming in). The problem with the story, aside from the rather specious conclusions the researchers came up with (I guess "We failed to turn up anything special about Texas" wouldn't fly), is that it inevitably works its way around to GW Bush, fucktard extraordinaire.
Guy Bailey, the guy who wasted time and money on this bullshit, said: "You know, there's a lot of comment about President Bush (news - web sites)'s speech, but Bush has a fairly typical Texas accent. The person who had the more distinctive accent was President Clinton (news - web sites)."

HELLO, ASSHOLE! IT'S AN ACT!!!! He isn't FROM Texas and he doesn't normally speak that way! Jesus fucking Christ!!! Did this guy also know that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Oh, and don't even TRY this shit: "When all is said and done, do Texans sound funny?
"Not to Texans," Bailey said, "and not really to other people in the South."

No way, bud. You ain't laying any claim of kinship on the rest of us. Y'all sound like a bunch of goddamn retards and you know it. Be proud of it if you want, but the rest of us don't want anything to do with your sorry asses.