Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Bully for the Left

According to the Baltimore Sun newspaper, academics are under attack all across the country because of rabid, dicksucking, herpes-infested, pustulated, hunchbacked, asymmetrical, troglodytic, jizz-gulping, incest-loving, cross-eyed, bad-brains-having little Republican shits with too much time on their hands in between shifts manning/using the syphilis-smeared gloryhole in the University bathroom.

As an academic myself, I have to ask just what kind of pussy is afraid of a mouth-breathing undergraduate? Look, as college education spirals upwards in cost to the point that hardworking kids can't get a BA anymore, the universities will inevitably fill up with the rotten little shits whose parents CAN afford immorally high tution, and those kids will not be, uh, let's say "bright." People who have to buy their way into an institution (like a fraternity) are not usually qualified to be there. It's a simple equation: people who live in big houses can't fix their own plumbing. People who purchase the office of President of the United States can't help but ruin a once-proud nation in 5 short years.

But I digress. The point is that little accidents of birth--who only think they're Rovian geniuses--aren't very scary. What IS scary is just how socially inept college professors are, and how unlike normal human beings they act. Perhaps rightwing retards and leftwing savants deserve to battle each other forever within the ivory tower. I don't know; it seems that if that's the biggest problem David Horowitz can find to tackle, then he just ain't trying very hard. Or else he's even dumber than I thought, and less effective. If higher education sucks so hard, why are people like Horowitz trying to take it over? Just like the House and Senate, which also sucked and needed to be done away with right up to the moment the GOP got a majority, it seems the nation's colleges and universities are in line to suffer the ultimate degradation.

It's Back to 1775 for Us!

Colonialism in reverse--that's the legacy of the American Enterprise Institute and the Neo-Conservative wank job that is the Project for a New American Century. As pointed out by many a smart pundit over the weekend, the US of A can't hope to remain a "superpower" (much less the "only" superpower) without money to back its world-domination fantasies. And because of George Bush and his competing gods (the need to establish neo-con principles like first strike capabilities vs. the unreasonable accumulation of wealth to himself and his friends), we as a nation are broke.

Enter Dubai Ports Worldwide, which is based in a nation with pockets as deep as its oil wells and which is oh-so-keenly interested in buying American property. Or at least controlling it, which is what the port deal does. As my father has pointed out, this is a property management deal, no more. But it also represents a new direction in American/Middle East cooperation: they are buying into our country more overtly than just a silent stake in multinational corporations. This is explicit, open involvement in a major sector of the economy.

Under neo-con precepts this is good, since it gives those damn dirty Arabs a taste of the glory of property, American-style; something we conflate with "democracy." Building strong partners in the Middle East, the US protects Israel and simultaneously liberalizes the emirates.

Unfortunately, this plan relies on two key factors not in evidence. One is the assumption that the Middle East is some primitive lumpen-culture, desperate--DESPERATE!--for our help and wisdom and friendship. Once we give them "democracy," they'll be so grateful that they'll slob all over our crotches in perpetuity. The other absent factor is that the United States has to be the unquestioned supreme state in the world in order for this to work. While it is plausible, in a rightwing wet dream, to imagine that a place like the UAE has an insatiable desire to be friends with the US, it is less likely to happen if the United States is in reality a weak state tottering on the edge of bankruptcy and wildly unpopular in the desert regions of the globe as well.

So the ominous part of the ports deal is that the preconditions of the neo-con fantasy do not exist. The United States is not the big gun in this deal: the UAE is. George Bush Senior works for the Arabs, not for the AEI. Dubai spends billions each year to bring attention to itslef, from building the world's biggest hotel to hosting golf tournaments at night on world-class, green courses in the motherfucking desert, to paying foreign stars and dignitaries millions of dollars for personal appearances, to a state-run sports program that is built to churn out athletes Soviet-style, but with limitless funding and assistance. In short, Dubai has signalled very clearly for the past decade that it intends to be a world player. In a region that holds the key to civilization--oil--it is unlikely that the UAE intends to play lapdog for the US.

This ain't like the Japanese buying a few office buildings in the 1980's. There are a host of reasons why this deal portends bad things for our future. One is that the state, the church, and international business are all rolled up together in the Middle East; indeed they are often embodied by single rulers. Dubai does not act merely out of good business sense: its way of doing business is part and parcel of its way of treating other cultures, women, infidels, and the like. The UAE has a terrible record on minority and civil rights, and that is no accident. Business is ideologically fueled by a worldview antithetical to that of the United States (or at least, the weltanschauung I think we have)--thus, there can be no getting into bed with these people if you ever want to get back out. This is colonization, but we're the country being sized up for carving.

Bomb-bomb-bomb bomb-bomb Iran...

Bush announced today that Iraq has a decision to make: chaos or unity. No shit, that's the terms.

When told that Iraq responded "We ARE united. Against you." Bush immediately turned the conversation to the need to bomb the bejeesus out of Iran, now, dammit, NOW! before it turns out that it, too, had nothing to do with September 11th.

In other news, Saudi Arabia continues to own Citibank and do business in the United States, while simultaneously funding and otherwise assisting anti-US terror groups. And Bush's father works for the Saudis. And the family's close snuggle-buddy, "Bandar Bush" is eagerly anticipating the time when he can piss on GWB's bones. What a great time to be a pessimist!

Three Years of College Gets You...What?

Not that anyone who reads this blog gives a corn-riddled shit about sports, but reports out of the NFL combine have it that Vince Young, the quarterback and hero of the University of Texas' national championship team last year scored a 6 out of a possible 50 on something called the Wonderlic Intelligence Test, a standard 50-question timed test of common knowledge given to all NFL prospects. For example, the test has questions like "what is the 9th month of the year?" and "what color was George Washington's white horse?" (OK, first question real, second question not. If you didn't already know that, you, too, might fail the WIT).

Well, so?

QB's are supposed to be smarter than your average steroid-repository, so the NFL "prefers" they score between 25 and 30. For reference, the head of the Wonderlic operation says a "normal" American should score around 21. Already, red flags are up--everyone is already smarter than an NFL quarterback. He plays FOOTBALL, for Christ's sake!

Vince Young--apparently after being prepped by his agent, who if he followed common practice would have had Young take a simulated test twice a day leading up to the real thing--scored a masterful 6. Anything below 10 means you're either illiterate or retarded. The first punchline is that his agent claims the first score wasn't right and that Young retook the test and got a 16. That's the best his agent could do: yeah, he's dumb, but not THAT dumb...

So, Young, on a retest, scored lower than the "average" of 21. Lower than an offensive lineman. Lower than a kicker. Lower than a linebacker, whose job includes smashing his head directly into other people's heads. Ooooooo-Kaaaaaaaay.

But the real problem here is that a score of 6, or even 16, would suggest that Vince Young can't read. Either that, or he doesn't know what the "9" in "9/11" stands for. And he attended (and passed all his classes, according to his coaches) the University of Texas for THREE FULL YEARS before going pro.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Take One For the Team?








Extra points if you do this and are male, 'cause that would give Dobson a paralyzing fit. Even better if you can explain the fundamentalists' hateful objection to homosexuality in the process. I suspect that they can't handle the inherent challenge to their ill-conceived notions of gender roles. I mean, who wouldn't want to marry a woman willing to acquiesce to your Y chromosome? That's really hot. In a pathetic, machismo sort of way. Goddamn troglodytes.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Let's Just Say the Vice President is a Fan

Too Clever By Half has its first celebrity reader...and it's none other than the Vice President of the United States, Deadeye Dick, the Executive Executioner, Dick Cheney!

I haven't actually had any contact with my good buddy Dick "Kill! Kill!" Cheney yet, but it's clear he has been reading the blog and he likey what he see-y.

What proof have I? Jesus, you nitwit, learn to read! The man went out and tried to gun down the "Father of the Texas GOP"! Precisely what I've been telling all my readers to do since I started this damn thing! Of course, I said "Find a Republican and punch him in the fucking face," but leave it to that genius, Dick "Whazza? A Bird? BOOOM!!" Cheney to take it to a whole new level!

Thanks for the props, VP ("Vicious Pepperer")! It's nice to know somebody has been listening--I don't know what the rest of you have as an excuse, but 78-year-old men don't just shoot themselves, despite what the "official" story coming out of Texas turns out to be. Naturally, I wish Dick had gone after a GOP-er not so close to natural death anyway, and I wish he didn't have that weakness for overpriced, Italian girly guns, but I guess there is a certain symmetry in shooting a man who was born in 1928 with a .28 shotgun.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

What Do They Want? Egg in Their Beer?

US Source: Nothing New in Abu Ghraib Photos

Nothing new? How many ways can one humiliate and torture another human being?

"Show some creativity when you're twistin' that guy's nads!! Godammit!! You unoriginal bastards!"

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Have a Gay Old Time...Somewhere Else

AmericaBlog is no longer one of our links. Why? For the same reason Atrios and DailyKos aren't. They are all part of the "pussy left" and I can't take no more of 'em.

One reason to drop AmericaBlog is that it has post after post of bitching and ramped-up outrage, but they all end the same way: "we need to do something NOW. Bush must know that this is not OK!" Well, all right. What are "we" gonna do? Apparently, "we're" going to fume and stew, and then post some more, by God!! Useless. No time for that.

The other reason is that it's just plain inconsistent--and apprently we aren't supposed to realize it. In a war of attrition, I guess, all sources are potentially useful, but AmericaBlog is insulting to me. Case in point: last week, they ran a post about how the Washington Times (owned by Rev. Moon and definitely right wing) is full of lies about Democrats, but then turned around a day or two later and said the Washington Times published a "withering" attack on Bush for spying and that this is super-duper awesome reportage by that paper.

Now I ask you: is the Moonie Times a worthless right wing rag, to be ignored or ridiculed; or is it the believable source for the spying scandal? Goddammit, make up your mind!

Or don't. You're out, John. There are things I have to do that you can't be a part of...

Scalia Talks Self Out of Job

Interesting. Antonin Scalia believes that proponents of a living Constitution want matters to be decided "not by the people, but by the justices of the Supreme Court." This as opposed to his, uh, "dead Constitution" (maybe that means something...) view that "the people" get to decide what's legal or not? Or does that fat retard think that something called "the people" drafted, debated, and signed the document written over 200 years ago? I seem to recall only a few dozen signatures on that parchment, not 2.5 million. What an odd assertion!

No, Scalia must be thinking that the modern "people" make the decisions. So, where does that leave him? Out of a job? Can I, as a member of the "people" declare him irrelevant?

If only it were so. Now, how does that original section of the Constitution go? The one about revolutions being necessary, from time to time?

Hacked Off

It seems that Paul Hackett has been given the boot by Democratic "leadership" so that Rep. Sherrod Brown can run against (weak) Mike DeWine for the Ohio Senate seat. Hackett is reportedly not pleased and has threatened to take his street cred and go home. I have a few words for Mr. Hackett:

First, aside from being in the armed forces, what exactly have you ever done?

Second, why don't you challenge Jean Schmidt for her House seat again--which you almost won last time? Given that alleged she-male's behavior since she was elected two years ago, a confirmed she-male could beat her. Or a retired army guy. Whatever.

Third, by saying that you will withdraw from politics altogether if you do not get your way, you have just shown that you believe yourself bigger than the party. I'll agree with you that the party sucks and is run by twits, but that's precisely the reason to stay in it. If you can't beat a twit, then who CAN you beat? (answer: an alleged she-male, maybe?)

Finally, Sherrod Brown is the right candidate for that race. DeWine is a weak Republican and Brown is a strong Democrat and a liberal from Hell, the likes of which hasn't been seen in this country since Tip O'Neill and Mo Udall died. (Unlike O'Neill, though, I think Brown likes to do things out in the open, not behind closed doors. If you're gonna twist arms 'til they break, at least let the cameras get a good shot of it!)

See more on Brown here and here's a good article.

The Left is the Left's Biggest Problem

UPDATE: Link to video of cartoon bunnies doing The Big Chill in 30 seconds. Thanks, Carsten!

*First, Jamie: where did the picture of Jesus and the monkey go?

Like being the President of the United States, thinking about how we got from the past to the present is hard work. Taking your forebears seriously enough to closely examine their actions in hopes of finding some connection to current circumstances is a tall order, particularly if you are a left-leaning American who doesn't think the 1960's, 1970's or 1980's produced particularly worthwhile human beings (to say nothing of political systems, economic schemas, or wearable fashion).

I saw two movies recently that seem inextricably linked to one another in important ways. They present a view of the American middle class experience that is still relevant today, even though both films are over 20 years old. Both, it would seem, are the basis of modern American--and listen up, Lars von Trier--and Eurotrash cinema; and both help explain, I believ, the sad state of liberal existence in American in 2006. Naturally, both films also suck balls.

They are Five Easy Pieces (1970) and The Big Chill (1983).

The latter film has already been repudiated by its formerly biggest fans, in deed if not in word. The former is still considered by critics a "brilliant" piece of method acting and a character study in...something.

The feeling persists, however, that these movies, bad as they are, have real explanatory power in the immediate sense. And here is the craw-sticker: if you want to know what people were thinking, if you want to know your subjects, you have to respect them. You have to take them seriously. Oh, how it burns! It burns!!

Five Easy Pieces is somewhat like most "serious" dramas of the late 1960's and 1970's in that it presents the world as being composed of two kinds of people: aimless drifters with no care for people or material things, and frightened hermits, who shut themselves up in big houses and hide behind wealth in order to avoid exposure to the big, dangerous world. Jack Nicholson, obviously, plays the drifter (not the hermit). He is never happy--CAN never be happy--precisely because it is the film's contention that life is a series of euphoric highs and crushing lows, and nothing is sustained for long. In fact, we are driven, it would seem, to destroy ourselves for no other reason than we want to know what will happen if we do x.

The Big Chill is a less complicated film. It proposes that life is all about the people you know--or knew--in the process of becoming an adult. In short, memories can stand in quite nicely for actual present circumstances and one need not feel anything for one's past except nostalgia. Naturally, anyone who has graduated high school will reject this premise (oops! must get back in "respect mode.").

The characters in this apparent experiment in navel-gazing (damn! lost the respect for 'em already!) are all successful yuppies who feel guilty about their lives and disconnected from their "friends" (who, it turns out, they don't really know, anyway). The moral of the story is made apparent in the final ten minutes when literally all the characters sleep with somebody (except Jeff Goldblum, who is busy with a self-absorbed therapy session on video with Glenn Close. Besides, no one wants to think about Jeff Goldblum getting laid.): You're still the person you were twenty years ago, you're just surrounded by different objects. In other words, you're still a hippie, but you drive a Porsche. Shame and guilt need not rear their badly-needed little heads.

As an historian would say: so what?

Well, look at the American left and tell me what you see. I see good hippies without shame; I see people who thought they were on the leading edge of radicalism (but of course, weren't) pretending to still be radicals while simultaneously belonging to the same clubs and churches as the self-proclaimed exterminators of the liberal "disease." The Big Chill removed the notion of action from the liberal mind and replaced it with the idea that complacency is OK, that self-interest is OK. It also allowed its viewers to think that superficial self-examination is the only kind necessary--no hard questions need be asked because, hey, it's MY life, dude. Reality thus is constructed in the head of the individual (as opposed to being constructed socially--that is, cooperatively), and if the individual thinks that he has done enough to end world hunger, or help the environment, then he has. This is the lesson in the big fight at the end of the Big Chill: when one character tells another that they don't really know each other, the response is that anyone can "know" anyone else as long as they think they do. Self-delusion is thus enshrined as a core tenet of an entire generation of liberals--no wonder they aren't rioting in the streets over Bush's fuck-ups.

Five Easy Pieces has at its center a worldview a bit more bleak than the ensemble group-grope of 1983 (shit! respect them, dammit!!). To wit: life is a dirty pit, and everbody has to roll around in the mud a little. Thus, the cringe-inducing frequency of humiliation in this film and most American cinema from the period. The story of Five Easy Pieces doesn't make much sense, but if you keep the principle in mind that all characters must be humiliated then the events are a little easier to link together and the script becomes knowable. The drawback to this feature is that it reflects, as all modern-era art does, a tendency in popular culture. Perhaps this is the basis for the disturbing frequency with which Democrats now take their lumps and bleat "thank you, mistress, may I have another?"

But I jest. It seems more reasonable that movies like this are the reason people like me cannot take the older generation seriously. There is no hope, quite frankly, in the view that we are all pinballing from one cosmic joke to another (hence, to digress a bit further, my dislike for Douglas Adams' helpless heroes, and the British sense of irony in general). The very notion removes the chance for human agency--the notion of radicalism and reform as being relevant--and relegates human activity to just one more pathetic marker of pointlessness.

The movie was made in 1970, when some Americans could rightly question whether the country was headed anywhere, and such frustration could account for part of the film's bleakness and the overarching feeling of both the main character and the viewer that one must get away (far, far away...dammit!) from this whole scene. This may be a parallel (proving that nothing was learned?) to the current fashion of declaring the country dead and trying to distance oneself from its stinking corpse. Of course, future generations might look upon this as just so much likewise self-absorbed defeatism.

Finally, I would like to say that I will forever throw up when I see a movie more about the "classic" soundtrack than the plot (The Big Chill) and also when I view one that presents parts of the human race as worthy of extermination (Five Easy Pieces, Triumph of the Will, anything by Lars von Trier). I think these films live on both in their unfortunate introductions of certain now-conventional film techniques and also in the American popular consciousness that consumes but does not see. Wallowing is perhaps the opposite of celebrating--or maybe it's the twin. In any case, the messages contained in Five Easy Pieces and The Big Chill are the reason I can't take the left seriously anymore. And that is a big problem for an historian. Excuse me while I go self-flagellate...