Harry Reid is Right...uh, about being Left!

Nobody listens to Democrats anymore, because we can all do that thing where we make a high-pitched whining sound by blowing through our nose hair and that's far more interesting than whatever Hillary Clinton is saying, or- - - - shit, I can't even name another Democrat in the Senate. Well, Robert Byrd, the greatest Senator of all time, but I'd listen to him talk about anything, up to and including the list of "begats" in the Old Testament.

Harry Reid, though, there's a guy who had a chance. He has been a dick for twenty years about the nuclear waste dump at Yucca Mountain, but that has sapped him so completely that he just can't...quite...get...up...for...anything...else. Or, possibly, he has a special kind of werewolf-ism where just his spinal cord and nuts are affected. They only seem to appear under the right conditions, and I haven't tried to line it up with the phases of the moon but it could be something to try right after I finish this phone call to report my tinfoil neighbor to DEA.

Here's what Harry Reid said last week RE: gay marriage amendment:

"So for me it is clear the reason for this debate is to divide our society, to pit one against another. This is another one of the President's efforts to frighten, to distort, to distract, and to confuse America. It is this Administration's way of avoiding the tough, real problems that American citizens are confronted with each and every day:

High Gas Prices.
The War in Iraq.
The National Debt.
Health Care.
Senior Citizens.
Education.
Crime.
Trade Policy.
Stem Cell Research.

Each issue begging the President's attention, each issue being ignored -- valuable time in the Senate spent on an issue that today is without hope of passing."

Now, is anyone going to give "Give 'Em Hell Harry" the credit he deserves? NO! I would like to think that is because everyone knows that Harry Reid--probably using the mind-stealing abilities of the tinfoil receptor on the window next to my kitchen--took this idea that I have been working on for years and messed it all up. But I know that isn't likely to get wide public attention.

Perhaps you don't see what issue I'm focusing on. Which one item from the tirade by Sen. Reid is the most obvious problem confronted daily by American citizens? "Trade policy"? I don't think so (in fact, I don't know anyone who has EVER been "confronted everyday" by "Trade policy." Strange.). "Education"? I can see how getting rid of the problem of education would be a step in the right (in both senses) direction--less education means more retards, and more retards means: more teenage pregnancy, more crime, more abortions, more disease, a lot more pointless driving around in circles wasting gas, and so on. In fact, a lack of education would exacerbate many of the other "tough, real" problems, thereby forcing the government to deal with them. More unwanted pregnancies would also provide more stem cells, so that would be great, too. Stem cells are like nature's HGH, or something. If Barry Bonds only knew...

But, back to the matter at hand. No, the biggest problem, and you have to read what the Senator said carefully, is SENIOR CITIZENS. Look at his statement again. It's right there, black-and-white, clear as crystal.

Now I have been saying this for a long time. As someone who used to have to drive a lot (in the South, no less!), I know the problem of SENIOR CITIZENS firsthand. Also, as a grandchild, I know personally how terrible it is to have to go to family events with relatives who all want the same thing: for the old people to kick so we can all go watch the damn football game that we put money on.

My plan, unlike Sen. Reid's rather cryptic laundry list, is clear. Old people must be killed. God sucks at this part of his job, so we must declare a mutiny and relieve him of part of his command, because he may be the originator of life on this planet, but we actually live here, and that cracker don't know what it's like on the motherf*cking streets, yo.

Mandatory euthanasia for everyone over 70. We either bury the bodies or else make Soylent Green out of them and ship the food overseas (think of it: third-world nations literally eating us...so much more satisfying than a pre-emptive war, don't you think?). And, there will be a points system to eliminate those under 70 who still bother us. For instance, all old people will have to carry ID cards and have special markings on their cars, walkers, wheelchairs, babushkas, and colostomy bags. If you witness an old person holding up traffic, for instance, or trying to get 17 items through the express checkout, or telling a story about the "old days" that makes you feel bad about how shitty you are and how bad your life is, you get their ID number and phone it into the government, anonymously, and a mark goes on that senior citizen's permanent record. When they get to 2, they get gassed.

That's the whole plan. Now, old people vote so I don't expect Harry to actually follow through, yet. But if he succeeds in other parts of his plan, like eliminating the problem of education, we will soon have many more retards jacked up on stem cells who we can mind-control with tinfoil scanners and force to vote for House Resolution 86-70, the so-called "Old-o-caust" bill.

THAT's how you get the public's attention, Senator Reid. When the next full moon appears, keep it in mind.

God is an Asshole

From the party (below) emerged one decent joke (courtesy, as you can tell, of a policy person):

How can you tell that God is a civil engineer?

Because he put the sewage drain in the middle of a recreation area.

Is it a Party if Everyone Hates Himself?

Putative historians and policy wonks do not mix. That could be a headline somewhere, possibly in the Journal of Party Studies' next series on the Dynamics of Mingling in Mixed Groups with Limited Variables.

Tips for those facing the prospect of just that dynamic:

1. Take away all chairs. Make the fuckers stand. They may even begin to dance. Historians, particularly, will monopolize all chairs, draw them into a tight, cocoon-like circle, and refuse to budge for the evening.

2. Do not provide any food, as they will all graze like bespectacled cows upon only a few items, thus allowing to go to waste that very expensive fruit tray you spent 2 hours preparing.

3. Especially do not provide anything resembling brownies, as most will think they are "special brownies" and will wolf them down so determinedly that large chunks of chocolate goo will fall all about, eventually being stamped permanently into your floor.

4. Do not provide any alcohol. They will bring their own, because academics and number-slaves share a compulsion for escapism.

Follow these simple rules and you may get spontaneous enjoyment from your crowd. For the easier solution, make friends with real people.

What is this?

Last week, I padded into the kitchen around 11:30 to lock the back door, and so forth, before hitting the sack. A piercing light drew my attention; it came from the building next door, where new tenants had just occupied the third floor. Going to draw the curtain, I was confronted by a bushy-haired young man, standing staring in the bathing glare coming from his window on the other side of the alley. I pulled the curtain with a sigh of "what a weirdo."

The next day, this:

Yes, that IS tinfoil! Good eye!

Does my new neighbor read the government's emergency-preparedness website a little too closely (first duct tape, now tinfoil)? Is he growing dope? Is he just a cheap-ass bastard?

The Buffalo Sabres are a Great Team

Paul Gaustad (#28) for Buffalo tried to block a shot with his face.


To get this out of the way first: Buffalo fans, across all sports, are like Cubs and Red Sox fans rolled into one big whiny monolith. They're "cursed" and they know it; and they want YOU to know it, too.

One thing I learned from being a Cubs fan, nobody wants to hear your bellyaching about curses and bad luck. Shut up already and play the game. Thinking you are the unluckiest slob on earth is exactly the same as thinking you're the luckiest--they're both total ego trips.

Anyway, the Hurricanes beat the Sabres last night in a game 7 that had me on the edge of the couch for three hours, sweating, swearing, and near-puking. Buffalo lost 5 starters, including all 4 top defensemen, to injury during the series but still took it to the Hurricanes in games 5, 6, and 7.

You have to admire the guts on display, last night particularly. The fill-ins for Buffalo came up from the minor leagues with barely any big game experience and they played well. Some guy named Janik scored a tying goal for his first-ever NHL point--and he was just supposed to be a warm body out on the ice. The Sabres hit everything in sight, took crazy chances to try and get some offense, and in general put a scare into the Hurricanes and fans like me. Of course, if we had lost to a team that depleted (and we almost did) then I would say contract the team, burn down the building, and salt the earth.

But to say that Buffalo lost, ultimately, because of injuries is wrong. They played as well as any team in the playoffs and I'll give you two examples of the kind of things the Sabres did that no other team, healthy or not, would ever have its players do. This is by way of proving that the Hurricanes did not "beat the Rochester Americans" (Buffalo's AHL team) as many curse-mongers are saying, but beat a team that played with utter desperation and could have taken the series to 7 games with a roster of high school kids. The team dynamic made second-rate guys play above themselves for a few games and it was great to watch.

Example 1: Jay McKee, a scoring defenseman who also blocks shots, blocked a hard slapshot against Ottawa in the last round (over 2 weeks ago) and it split his shin open. He's been playing with a gashed shin ever since and he blocked, I don't know, about 3,000 shots during games 1-6 of the Sabres-Hurricanes series. After game 6, he noticed that his leg was badly infected and it turns out he has a staph infection in his leg. So, a guy whose leg is festering like it has gangrene and might fall of his body played almost an entire series and kept sticking his leg in front of 100-mph slapshots because he wanted to win that badly.

Example 2: Last night, Carolina captain Rod Brind'Amour scored what was the winning goal about midway through the 3rd period, when a shot bounced around in front of the goal and came to rest about six feet from the net. It just lay there while Carolina and Buffalo players scrummed (sp?) in front, and Brind'Amour skated over from the circle and shot it as hard as he could into the goal. The shot was about three feet high and was a screamer and a Buffalo player dove, FACE-FIRST in front of it to try to block it. If he had succeeded, the shot would have hit him in the teeth.

Bottom line, no team of "bums" or AHL retards plays like that. That amount of confidence, resilience, and recklessness is institutional--it's got to be the system that the Sabres play. I am convinced that anybody could have filled those roles for Buffalo and done just as well, but the guys who played were the best.

So quit the curse talk. It's an insult to the team and to the way they played.

And now, since I know almost nobody gives a shit about hockey, back to our regular postings about the slow political death of our country.

The US Economy Hates America

I also saw a headline yesterday that "US Economy Showing Signs of Downshifting." Can it do that, given that it never "upshifted"? What's the next gear below "reverse"? Is it "up on blocks, engine disassembled on tarp, kids playing on front seat"?

That's our economy: the Ramblin' Wreck. But without so much "ramble" and with 90% more "wreck."

Snort, Chortle

"Bush Administration Wants To Cut Meth Use By 15%"

Who writes these headlines? I ask you...