Is it a Party if Everyone Hates Himself?

Putative historians and policy wonks do not mix. That could be a headline somewhere, possibly in the Journal of Party Studies' next series on the Dynamics of Mingling in Mixed Groups with Limited Variables.

Tips for those facing the prospect of just that dynamic:

1. Take away all chairs. Make the fuckers stand. They may even begin to dance. Historians, particularly, will monopolize all chairs, draw them into a tight, cocoon-like circle, and refuse to budge for the evening.

2. Do not provide any food, as they will all graze like bespectacled cows upon only a few items, thus allowing to go to waste that very expensive fruit tray you spent 2 hours preparing.

3. Especially do not provide anything resembling brownies, as most will think they are "special brownies" and will wolf them down so determinedly that large chunks of chocolate goo will fall all about, eventually being stamped permanently into your floor.

4. Do not provide any alcohol. They will bring their own, because academics and number-slaves share a compulsion for escapism.

Follow these simple rules and you may get spontaneous enjoyment from your crowd. For the easier solution, make friends with real people.