Movies that Sucked Before they were Made

Speaking of the silver screen, raggedy old whore that she is, Turner Classic Movies is showing movies this week (or month?) from the Writers Guild of America 101 Best Screenplays list. Apparently, it just came out. The trick here (or gimmick, if you want to be mean about it, and I do) is that they are claiming to be acknowledging the idea behind the film. The screenplay, they claim, is the vision that props up the film, no matter how far the finished product lands from the original spark. If stage direction gets you all gooey, then maybe this is for you (to find out, I recommend The Collected Works of Raymond Chandler, volume II of which includes his screenplay for Double Indemnity, #26 on the list).

Look at it, take it all in. Then, think back to AFI's list of the 100 Greatest Movies from a few years back. It didn't seem possible at the time, but finally somebody has out-sucked that list. And these people are creative geniuses?

Let's hit the low notes, shall we?

Numbers 1-5: Casablanca, The Godfather, Chinatown, Citizen Kane (take THAT, AFI!), All About Eve.

All About Eve? #5 all-time? Now, wait a minute, I just have to say--oh SHIT! Never mind, because I have bigger fish to fry!

#9 is Some Like It Hot, and it's ahead of Godfather II (#10)! What kind of addled fuckwit ranked these scripts? A cross-dresser farce with that luminary of film, that titanic heavyweight of the stage and screen, Marilyn Monroe, beat out Godfather II?!?

Wait, wait. It's all about the screenplay, not the actual movie. So relax. Besides, how could one not prefer endless sight gags (which probably aren't so funny on the printed page) to a reimagining of the American experience through the saga of a mob family? Stupid thinkies, always getting in the way of a good tits-n-ass story.

It gets better, of course. Pulp Fiction, which as I recall, was plagiarized from about a dozen older, obscure books and films, is #16, just barely edging out another she-male comedy, Tootsie, and then, in order, On the Waterfront, To Kill a Mockingbird, and It's a Wonderful Life. Some, I suppose, would say Tarantino made a good movie, and it sure was stylish. But the screenplay is acknowledged to have been a gloss of old kung-fu movies and pulp novels. So there. And to have it ahead of stories about working class idiocy, the life-and-death history of race in America, and the greatest communist fairytale ever told, well that's just plain lunatic. I say we call up some pipe-hittin' niggas and go to work on them with pliers and a blowtorch...

Groundhog Day is #27. No shit, it's really on there.

#38 is American Beauty, a dog-turd of a juvenile fantasy. Did the writer's description of falling rose petals move the WGA to tears? "...petals fall from ceiling onto bed. Man is covered in petals. Petals are pretty. More falling petals..."

There are about 99 Woody Allen films on the list. Is he the god-head of the Writers Guild?

8 1/2 is there, at #87. What did Fellini's screenplay say, exactly? "Woman with tuba on head rides alligator through time until bees sprout from steel and form incandescent mushroom cloud over laughing children with penises for eyes. Cut scene." ??

The 60-70somethings are where the thing goes totally off the admittedly thin rails. Moonstruck at #62? Sure. Why not? Would I have ranked it ahead of Jaws (#63) or Singin' in the Rain (#65)? No, but hey, I ain't no freakin' monument to justice!

#64 is Terms of Endearment, which was written by James L. Brooks, about whom it isn't hard to see, if you know his other work (As Good as It Gets), why he is mainly a producer and not a writer. Can you say "beat the audience over the head with a single, not-very-profound-idea"?

But oh, #66. Go ahead, guess. Go on. Duel in the Sun? Naaah. The Magnificent Ambersons? HA!

I give you, ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Maguire!! Speaking of heavy-handed, sanctimonious, obnoxious, self-congratulatory utter fucking dick-cheese...actually, let's put #89, Forrest Gump, in here, too.

Jerry Maguire is ranked higer than Dog Day Afternoon, The Lion in Winter, Amadeus, High Noon, Raging Bull, and Rocky. What the fuck is going on here? Stallone was nominated for a motherfucking Oscar for the screenplay to Rocky. What the fuck, I say; and again, what the fuck?!

Let's all give a big hand to Witness, at #80, for being there; and also Being There, by Jerzy Kosinski (thank God he's not writing anymore), at #81.

The list ends not with a bang, but with a whimper, rounding out with a sad mix of crap (Patton), misfires (The Grapes of Wrath), gimmick films (Memento), and straight ham (Notorious).

Booo! You should all have your typewriters taken away, or better yet, you should have to stick your balls into your typewriters and leave them there whilst I bang out Woody Allen's entire screenplay for Hannah and Her Sisters (#95).