Harry Reid is Right...uh, about being Left!

Nobody listens to Democrats anymore, because we can all do that thing where we make a high-pitched whining sound by blowing through our nose hair and that's far more interesting than whatever Hillary Clinton is saying, or- - - - shit, I can't even name another Democrat in the Senate. Well, Robert Byrd, the greatest Senator of all time, but I'd listen to him talk about anything, up to and including the list of "begats" in the Old Testament.

Harry Reid, though, there's a guy who had a chance. He has been a dick for twenty years about the nuclear waste dump at Yucca Mountain, but that has sapped him so completely that he just can't...quite...get...up...for...anything...else. Or, possibly, he has a special kind of werewolf-ism where just his spinal cord and nuts are affected. They only seem to appear under the right conditions, and I haven't tried to line it up with the phases of the moon but it could be something to try right after I finish this phone call to report my tinfoil neighbor to DEA.

Here's what Harry Reid said last week RE: gay marriage amendment:

"So for me it is clear the reason for this debate is to divide our society, to pit one against another. This is another one of the President's efforts to frighten, to distort, to distract, and to confuse America. It is this Administration's way of avoiding the tough, real problems that American citizens are confronted with each and every day:

High Gas Prices.
The War in Iraq.
The National Debt.
Health Care.
Senior Citizens.
Education.
Crime.
Trade Policy.
Stem Cell Research.

Each issue begging the President's attention, each issue being ignored -- valuable time in the Senate spent on an issue that today is without hope of passing."

Now, is anyone going to give "Give 'Em Hell Harry" the credit he deserves? NO! I would like to think that is because everyone knows that Harry Reid--probably using the mind-stealing abilities of the tinfoil receptor on the window next to my kitchen--took this idea that I have been working on for years and messed it all up. But I know that isn't likely to get wide public attention.

Perhaps you don't see what issue I'm focusing on. Which one item from the tirade by Sen. Reid is the most obvious problem confronted daily by American citizens? "Trade policy"? I don't think so (in fact, I don't know anyone who has EVER been "confronted everyday" by "Trade policy." Strange.). "Education"? I can see how getting rid of the problem of education would be a step in the right (in both senses) direction--less education means more retards, and more retards means: more teenage pregnancy, more crime, more abortions, more disease, a lot more pointless driving around in circles wasting gas, and so on. In fact, a lack of education would exacerbate many of the other "tough, real" problems, thereby forcing the government to deal with them. More unwanted pregnancies would also provide more stem cells, so that would be great, too. Stem cells are like nature's HGH, or something. If Barry Bonds only knew...

But, back to the matter at hand. No, the biggest problem, and you have to read what the Senator said carefully, is SENIOR CITIZENS. Look at his statement again. It's right there, black-and-white, clear as crystal.

Now I have been saying this for a long time. As someone who used to have to drive a lot (in the South, no less!), I know the problem of SENIOR CITIZENS firsthand. Also, as a grandchild, I know personally how terrible it is to have to go to family events with relatives who all want the same thing: for the old people to kick so we can all go watch the damn football game that we put money on.

My plan, unlike Sen. Reid's rather cryptic laundry list, is clear. Old people must be killed. God sucks at this part of his job, so we must declare a mutiny and relieve him of part of his command, because he may be the originator of life on this planet, but we actually live here, and that cracker don't know what it's like on the motherf*cking streets, yo.

Mandatory euthanasia for everyone over 70. We either bury the bodies or else make Soylent Green out of them and ship the food overseas (think of it: third-world nations literally eating us...so much more satisfying than a pre-emptive war, don't you think?). And, there will be a points system to eliminate those under 70 who still bother us. For instance, all old people will have to carry ID cards and have special markings on their cars, walkers, wheelchairs, babushkas, and colostomy bags. If you witness an old person holding up traffic, for instance, or trying to get 17 items through the express checkout, or telling a story about the "old days" that makes you feel bad about how shitty you are and how bad your life is, you get their ID number and phone it into the government, anonymously, and a mark goes on that senior citizen's permanent record. When they get to 2, they get gassed.

That's the whole plan. Now, old people vote so I don't expect Harry to actually follow through, yet. But if he succeeds in other parts of his plan, like eliminating the problem of education, we will soon have many more retards jacked up on stem cells who we can mind-control with tinfoil scanners and force to vote for House Resolution 86-70, the so-called "Old-o-caust" bill.

THAT's how you get the public's attention, Senator Reid. When the next full moon appears, keep it in mind.