Well, I'm back. And I'm feeling real good about myself, you know what I mean?
The "Time Out" magazine franchise exists in most major cities and Chicago is no different. I must confess that I thought it was a gay community publication, but that was based on the existence of "Time Out Youth" back in the CLT (right Em?), so that's my problem and I've dealt with it. Which doesn't mean the rag isn't totally gay; it is. But it's way better because it doesn't think it's gay.
Take this cover, for example:
I mean, fuck. "Special thanks to the 700 men and 63 lesbians who wrote-in 'my girlfriend's crotch' as 'best place to eat out.' Classy, Chicago!" That's what this cover would have said if this magazine knew how gay it is.
Under the category of "Janeane, don't stare at me, you got the bug eyes!":
In case you can't read the interview/slob fest, here's the gem:
"Q: Does being on (the TV show) 24 ever feel problematic?...even the dean of West Point has criticized the show for depicting torture as leading to the greater good.
A: Yeah, that's disgusting...I did have a problem with it.
Q: Just not enough not to be on the show." (J: good for you, gay TOC interviewer!)
"A: ...I did pass on it initially, and then (show creator and right-wing lunatic Joel Surnow) called me and said, 'don't let my politics stand in the way of your working here.'..." (J: Wait, what? You didn't want to work for a morally, politically, and personally abhorrent show, and then the Nazi cocksucker who created the show called you and said, "Yes, I'm a Nazi, and my show is about barbaric, paranoid, fascist behaviors
that are portrayed as perfectly logical and righteous on my show, but don't let that stop you from taking my money in exchange for your soul. I mean, you
are a whore, right?" Way to think that through, Janeane!)
"Q: Some FBI agents have said 24 supports unethical, illegal behavior and has a negative impact on real American soldiers." (J: keep it coming!)
"A: Yeah, I agree." (J: what the fuck?!) "...You know, I'm not playing me. But I am disgusted by the torture.
Q: There's a larger question: Does someone who's so vocal about her politics have a responsibility not to go on a show that betrays it?
A: If there is, I didn't live up to it.
Q: Do
you think there is?
A: Well, if I did think that in the case of the show, I did not live up to it, so I have disappointed the standard." (J: Come again? "Disappointed the standard"? What does that even fucking mean? Don't you mean to say that your behavior signifies a total lack of principle and, if anything, you disappointed yourself by being such a money-grubbing, non-judgmental whore? I think that's what you meant to say.)
There's a backstory to this picture that makes the text next to it irrelevant.
Here's the story: TOC does all these "man on the street" interviews, but the staffer in charge of the feature is either the laziest ass clown in Chicago, or else just unimaginative because a good half the people interviewed are students at Printer's Row's own Columbia College, an art school with all that implies. The innermost thoughts of these students are never half as compelling as TOC and they seem to believe, and in fact they are mostly young dullards wasting time and Mom's money at art school waiting to be discovered as the next Clash or Basquiat, but mainly they are a city-wide nuisance with their insistence on spray-painting, sound-tracking, filming, scripting, vandalizing everything. I would venture to say that most renters have at one time or another had a Columbia student (or a nest of them; they cannot quite manage living alone, it seems) as a neighbor and it has never been a mutually rewarding situation.
In fact, here's what Caitlin Terry, 21, had to say for her busted-looking self this fine day on Congress Parkway (incidentally, lazy TOC interviewer, this is just two steps outside the door of Columbia College. Sloth!):
"Q: Have you been guilty of any nastiness lately?
A: I got arrested the other night for throwing pennies out of the window of my loft. They almost evicted me.
Q: Gee, sounds like you've been bored." (J: Can we get the Janeane Garofolo interviewer in here please? Or at least punch this woman in the eye or something?)
"A: Exactly. Me and my friends were bored as shit and seeing if we could throw pennies on top of cars." (J: "My friends and I," you fucking retard.)
"Q: You didn't hit anybody, right?
A: Uhh...yeah, we did. We kinda sorta hit this one guy...the guy didn't get hurt at all! It was a simple case of idle hands," (J: or an idle case of simple hands?) "The cops told me it has to be at least a nickel for it to hurt..."
And that is why everyone hates you. The cops told me I could heave a brick through your window as long as nobody gets hurt. Or pour battery acid on your cat, as long as nobody gets hurt. Or re-post your drooling idiocy on my blog and call you a hopeless moron, as long as nobody gets hurt. It's no nickel beaning, but here you go!
The rest of the backstory: because of the prevalence of Columbia College student interviews, people have begun writing to the editor of TOC, pointing out that 1. they are from the bottomless pit of stupidity 2. they are Chicago's worst representatives 3. they are all, remarkably, completely
the same in every taste, opinion, fashion and the result is a universe-sized irony: art school kids are as mainstream in their culture as it can get. Would anyone else like a bite of banality? I knew this woman went to Columbia from the photo. I read the interview just to see where she rates on the dickwad scale: chucking pennies at other people and other people's cars rates about lower-third. I'm sure she lives in a northside white neighborhood; try that shit in Austin and you will get a penny-sized projectile back.
It's good to be back. Spring is here and hate is in the air!
