Who Gave Them the Keys to the Kingdom?

Thank you Allstate, for the driving tips included with my recent bill. Specifically, thanks for reminding me of one of the factors – in fact, the first on your list – which contributes to car accidents at intersections:

"Allowing multiple distractions (pedestrians, looking for an address) to divert the driver's attention."

Put down your beer and read that again. Done? Ok. The "looking for an address" part I understand. As a professional petrol transfer engineer and direction provider for ~ a decade, I can prove that lost drivers do not need directions - they need to learn how to fucking follow directions (or better, quit driving altogether and go back to South Carolina).

But I didn't know pedestrians were a "distraction." Last time I checked, pedestrians have the legal right-of-way - even dipshits* who wig-woggle across the street at a circuitous 55 degrees with the dopehead-shuffle, instead of, you know, at the perpendicular. Never mind that. Clearly someone at Allstate has conducted a cost-benefit comparison of 160 pounds of pedestrian flesh splattering on a car bumper versus another 3500 pound vehicle coming from an opposing direction and concluded that mowing down the pedestrian makes for the least expensive payout (speedy law enforcement officers in a certain eastside neighborhood historically concur). Or maybe it's just that pedestrians likely don't own a car, and thus aren't potential customers of said insurance company and therefore don't matter. Except that they're a distraction (and probably dirty brown immigrants. Oh, and fuck you Myrick: those 'Mexicans' from El Salvador metabolize Budweiser the same as us white crackers, you xenophobic genital wart on the 'taint of humanity). Hey, I can use euphemisms, do math, and be a dick, too. Can I get an honorary MBA and a high-payin' job at an insurance company for that?

But back to those driving tips. My insurance company says to "minimize distractions." Okay, follow the advice of George Hayduke from the Abbey novel: If you ain't drunk, you shouldn't be drivin,' and if you're drinkin' and drivin,' drive like hell. So drive down the sidewalk and "eliminate" some "distractions". Oh, don't forget to pay your insurance bill.