In Other Army News...

Have you seen the commercial for the Army Reserve where the kid and his dad are playing pool? The dad, off-screen, says angrily, "It's the Army." His son, looking every bit like an 18-year old knucklehead, rejoinders with this little gem: "No, dad, it's the Army Reserve. I'd still get to go to college and..."

Stop! Cut!

Hey, dumbass! The Reserve is too the "Army". That's why it has the word "Army" in it! The Air National Guard may not be the Air Force (no matter what Bush's resume says), but neither does it claim to be. It isn't called the "Air Force National Guard," after all. But the "Army Reserve" is exactly what it says it is...
AND YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE RETARDED TO JOIN THE RESERVES DURING WARTIME. DON'T YOU WATCH THE NEWS?!?

Yeah, I don't either. But I know enough not to join the Army under the illusion that, magically, I won't have to go to the war that everybody else is fighting.

Back to the commercial: "It's still the Army," says dad, exasperated with his son's inability to comprehend simple facts (but perhaps beginning to think that his idiot son might be ideally suited for the service).
"No, dad," says Junior. "They would train me around here until they need me, so it'll be like I never left."
"Good training?" says dad, clearly anticipating cashing that death benefit check he will be getting about two months after Junior ships off for Iraq.
"Well, yeah," says the boy with a snide tone in his voice. "...It's the Army."

Take that, dad! You dumb shit!

So what can we gather from this ad? The Army, run by a bunch of grown up jerkoffs, wants you to think it's the answer to mom and dad's questions about your intelligence. Prove to the folks that you're all grown up, too: do the most stupid thing you can think of. First, tell them that the Reserve isn't the "real" Army, because they'll send you to college (like the Army doesn't?) and give you second-rate, local training from a bunch of middle-aged part-timers who missed out on Vietnam. THAT'LL get you ready for combat! At least your lousy training will make you less of a problem once you get to Iraq. After all, you won't know that you're supposed to have a flak jacket and working equipment--Army Reservists don't even sniff real equipment while in training.

After you've established that the Reserve isn't the "real" Army, turn around and tell mom and pop that they needn't worry about you once you're taken off to the desert adventure, because for some unknown reason the "real" Army will train you and look out for you over there. Just like it did Pat Tillman. Apparently, the "real" Army, just out of the goodness of its heart, goes out of its way to help Army Reservists. Me believe that. Give me pen. Me want to sign up now.