It's Gonna Be a Long Semester

First day of class, and my geology teacher asks how old the Earth is. I answer "4.5 billion years." The student behind me, in a defensive tone only a true believer could muster, "6000 years! The fossil record proves it!" I burst, out of character, into cacaphonous laughter, thinking she's being sarcastic. Shit, she wasn't (bangs head on desk). This is only surprising in that it occured during that same lecture about scientific method you get in every science class - the first chapter in every sci text. And really, all science classes could stop there and you've gotten your money's worth. But just as in biology and anthropology, here comes the flaccid - I shudder to criticize my teachers - response, "you don't have to believe this, but you have to know it for the class." Yeah, science is not a process, you know, it's just rote memorization and some latin words. If literary critics and social theorists can defend their sometimes (often?) caca doo-doo pet theories to the death, why can't science teachers defend their discipline? Poking in the dark, that question is. We're not talking Deconstruction here - this is rocks, real fucking old rocks, for jebus sake!

Colleges require placements tests for maths, reading, and writing. Oddly, they don't require science placement tests (save for said maths, if you're taking chem or phys). Tonight's little scenario makes me think we need a science placement test. And it's an easy one. In fact, being that I love my school, in spite of its retardness and low academic standards, I'll write it for them, and make it brief to save them some administrative costs. In fact, let's make it one question, and multiple choice even, so a computer can grade it.

Science Placement Test
Question: What is science?
A. A reliable, self-correcting, elegant yet rigorous and unforgiving way of knowing which seeks naturalistic answers to natural phenomenon, which has proven its worth in advancing human thought for three hundred years, clinging only to well-proven and researched ideas which are testable, verifiable, and falsifiable, and which holds said ideas tentatively in light of new evidence.
B. Something my priest warned me against before he touched my . . . uh, soul, yeah, my soul, just before he put his pe . . . nevermind
C. A communist plot invented to destroy family values, introduce relativism, and turn maleable young unsuspecting freshmen into puppy-grinding, pig-fucking atheists.
D. Uh, are we gonna learn how to grow pot or make lysergic acid diethalymide in this class?
E. I dunno, I just need this class to graduate, and I heard the teacher was hot.

If you answered A, come on in and celebrate this great world of ours in all its nekkid beauty. Any other answers - give your head that one last push into your ass so you asphyxiate. Some poor kid from the ghetto needs your seat in the lab. Or become a marketing major.

And teachers, science is worth defending. In fact, it's your job to do so. Use a British accent if need be - seems to help on the documentaries. The Universe is old. Evolution occurred. It's not something to be ashamed of. Defend the theories - the theories of science are the FUN part! We're here to get less stupid, please oblige us.

If only I can exercise enough self-control not to take myself to the old as hell New River this weekend to get a really old rock for a little show and tell next week. As in, I'll show you what this old chunk of gneiss does to your head if you tell me the Earth is 6000 years young again.