H3

I am officially sick and goddamn tired of the Hummer advertising campaigns. I recall vividly the first commercial I ever saw for the fucking behemoth, it was the stop-motion one with the school bus-sized "car" moving over a desert and then it panned out to the Earth from space. Lights, curtain. The point was, clearly, that the Hummer is not really the threat to the whole planet that you might think a vehicle that gets 6 miles to the gallon would be; instead, it is part of the Earth itself, organic, if you will.

I, for one, will not.

Then came the ads in the Chicago subway that featured the same jerky-ass pictures and the planet emblem--talk about not knowing your audience. Hey, General Motors: if I can only afford $1.75 to commute to work, what makes you think I have the $50,000 to spend on a loaded Hummer? Is it for the days I spend at my country estate out in Barrington? Stupid fucks. No wonder you're bankrupt.

Now, I have seen the H3 ads that show the "car" darting in between trees in the forest, like wildlife you always just barely catch out of the corner of your eye. I'm sorry, I must have missed something: are you trying to say, GM, that the H3 is both somehow natural and unobtrusive? Having just walked by one of the monstrosities a few days ago (the dumb shit behind the wheel was frantically trying to parallel park in downtown Chicago...hilarious!), I can say that it is a good deal smaller than its even more obnoxious predecessor, in the way that a backhoe is smaller than a bulldozer. You wouldn't drive either one, and you damn sure wouldn't pay for that much gas, but yes: technically, one is actually smaller than the other. Way to go, American motorcar companies. THAT's why Japan is still kicking your ass.

Here is my new solution: I am going to get a paint marker and a screwdriver and I am going to scrawl "I am a bad person" on the side of every Hummer I come across. Then, I'm going to steal its license plates and replace them with other plates I took off of other cars. That way, after the piece of shit who owns the Hummer pays for a new paint job, he can also have the time-release fun of getting pulled over by a CPD cop and explaining why his vehicle has stolen plates. A run-in with the law is inevitable for certain morons, especially the kind who buy vehicles that require double parking. There will be a lot of H2's and H3's getting impounded in this city, I believe.

In the meantime, I hope everyone who pays more than $50 a week for gasoline by choice dies in a horrific way, in front of children and extended family, while being videotaped as a cautionary tale to teenagers who might be tempted to grow up into similarly bad people.