And Finally

The first 10 pages of the WSJ front section are relatively easy to take: just plain old articles, some silly, some serious, all slanted to the right and most of them only mildly irritating. But the so-called editorial pages, which are ironically named because the paper apparently has no editor, judging by the content or lack thereof, are to be avoided at all costs. I will only cite one article, because that's as much as I can take.

Something, certainly not human, called "Daniel Henninger" has a column named "Wonder Land," which I thought might be a tip off that it is satirical in nature, but that, sadly, is probably not the case. Thing Henninger has titled this piece (again, he must have done it because NO EDITOR) "Democracies Don't Let People Die." And...I just laughed and barfed at the same time. The sub-head is, "China and Burma Prove the Need for Accountability." Please, make your case (bearing in mind that I live in the United States and will be evaluating everything you say against what I know to be true in my own country. So, unless you are aiming at an audience on Mars or in a parallel dimension, you are swimming upstream, Henninger!).

It begins: China is refusing some earthquake relief efforts from other countries because it wants to prove "self-reliance." Whatever. In a country that big, says I, development is bound to be uneven and some areas will be devastated by things like earthquakes. If China's government--it of the booming economy--wants to go it alone, fuck it. Moreover, is Henninger actually calling into question the idea of local and even national sovereignty in favor of some sort of worldwide welfare state? So, let me get this straight (in other words, Henninger should think before he types, if he is capable of it): we're one sentence into your editorial and you have already chucked the notion of national governments in favor of mandatory international oversight? Or, can you just not get over the conservative jerkoff fantasy that communist countries should become the colonies of the United States until they "embrace" democracy?

Anyway, then we're off to Myanmar, which Henninger weirdly still refers to as "Burma," even though that's not the name of the country anymore. Is his name "Henninger"? I understand that his great-great-great-great grandfather was called "Assface Shitburger" by all the villagers, on account of being born with his ass on his face and a penchant for ingesting shit smeared on bread. But, back to the article itself, Assface Shitburger VII (whom I will henceforth just call "Shitface" or "Shitface VII," writes that, as there is a second cyclone heading towards Myanmar (note: there isn't a second cyclone, according to actual weather reports available the day before this article was published), it's inexcusable for the junta to keep refusing outside aid.

Then, Shitface VII writes, "When a China or Burma (again, WTF?) and its people are in the throes of such catastrophe, one is loath to make invidious comparisons."

See if you can guess what comes next. Literally, the next sentence:

"Let's get to it."

Sigh. OK, Shitface, lay it on us. The invidious comparisons, a term Henninger--I mean Shitface VII--clearly doesn't really understand based on the fact that just listing unrelated events is not "comparing" them, begin with a simple statement that liberals are stupid because they ridicule Bush's calls for "more democracy." Apparently, Shitface VII is aware of some substance or strategy or meaning in what appears to be merely a slogan and sometime-excuse for Bush to do whatever the fuck he pleases. Henninger/Shitface VII is either a liar or the recipient of significant brain damage.

"Tectonic plates in motion don't distinguish between democracies and autocracies..." finally, a true statement! Then, a list of notable natural disasters, most in third-world countries. Lots of death and destruction. No explanation of how, for instance, the Soviet Union could have saved some of the 25,000 people who died in Armenia in 1988. Or what the type of government in Mexico in 1985 has to do with the earthquake there. 31,000 people died in Iran in 2003; they lived in an "ancient city," Shitface says, and Iran was "mullahfied" at the time. Is there a connection? Is our children learning? Shitface VI's children is not learning. Do argument proof logic need connection me say? What word, Henninger, you think?

Shitface VII/Henninger says, again without any evidence, that most people die after disasters in autocratically-run countries, because unaccountable politicians "don't give a damn." That's very odd...where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah! Kanye West was talking about Mexico's RPI party in 1985! Or was it the Chinese government? Only in non-democratic countries will you find politicians who aren't accountable and "don't give a damn"!

After all, when people die in a democracy--and here Shitface VII is careful to argue that in that case, as in others, it's because "bad cement" exists in democracies, too--"public outrage calls for heads to roll." And then, like someone who has never actually had to answer for a stupid statement, Henninger actually smacks headlong into Hurricane Katrina. See, it was so much better than what happens in other countries, because the head of FEMA got fired! (but stayed on as a consultant and still got paid by the Bush administration.) AFTER the hurricane flooded an entire city with millions of residents! Score! ONE guy lost his job! That's democracy, baby! Suck it, Burma or whatever the fuck you think your country is called!

Shitface VII is honest enough to admit that Bush took some heat, too, and that he has never been as beloved as he was before Katrina. But enough about the man who let an entire US city be destroyed and thousands of people drown, and who still hasn't actually dealt with the Katrina disaster, or for that matter, any of the numerous disasters on his watch, let's get back to slamming other countries for doing exactly what George Bush did!

Paragraph 11: Shitface VII makes a completely out-of-left-field mention of former World Bank chairman Paul Wolfowitz, whom Shitface calls a "democracy-addicted neo-con," which I guess is a synonym for "warmongering Bush crony, appointed to a sinecure because he couldn't get approved for a job in the United States government because he lost all credibility on that giant clusterfuck in Iraq but don't bring that up because it reflects reality and I, Daniel Henninger, AKA Assface Shitburger VII, don't believe in facts or reason." This shout out to Wolfowitz has nothing to do with anything, but Shitface, I guess (guessing because he's such a terrible writer that it's hard to tell what he thinks he's doing, much less what he actually is doing), wants to name-drop one of his fallen heroes and to whine that it was bureaucracy, not Wolfowitz's venal abuse of his position to get a job for his girlfriend, that drove him out and resulted in the Bank loaning money (a completely unsubstantiated accusation, by the way) to shoddy builders whose structures have now collapsed and killed all those damn yellow and brown people who just won't become Americans already no matter how much we tell them to.

Luckily, though, right after he runs out of steam and just starts tossing random neo-con names out to fill space, Henninger Shitface VII actually does run out of space. And so, he must sum up his wreck of an article and does so by undermining the whole thing. Because, in case it isn't apparent, Daniel Henninger is a complete moron. The bottom line: Accountability is the key, and it only appears in democracies, because politicians feel the pressure to be reelected. The United States is no angel, because it makes deals with and even supports some of these autocratic regimes (though, we can be certain, not Henninger's beloved President Bush, who is the victim of "bottomless, neurotic antipathy" from the left that mystifies ol' Shitface, deep thinker though he is). But, democracy is the ticket for, uh, dealing with disasters, because, um, Katrina taught us that...which is to say, uh...the Iraq and South Africa, and such as...ummmmm...

You know what? Shut the fuck up, Daniel Henninger.

The only "wonders" in your Wonder Land concern how you dress and feed yourself (DO you?), how you got a job with a head full of mush and half-thoughts of the sub-moronic variety, and how many times I will feel compelled to slap you in your stupid face if I ever catch you in public.