Review: Latent Homosexuality in Sports

In the interests of full disclosure, I must begin by stating flat-out that I do not know Tom Brady. I have never met Tom Brady, and for all I know you, sir, could very well be Tom Brady. I bear him no ill will, as I think he's not more than an average quarterback playing in a system almost any quarterback could run. He's like Derek Jeter: if not for the heroics of his teammates leading to multiple championships, we'd all be saying (if we ever cared about pro sports), "what a mediocrity! No wonder he's only the backup for the Jets these days!" Or, if it was Jeter, "Even for the Devil Rays that guy sucks at shortstop! No wonder the Yankees dumped him after his third year!"

Anyway, Tom Brady (who if you don't already know is the quarterback for the New England Patriots), recently found out he is the father of his ex-girlfriend's baby. The woman in question is Bridget Moynahan, a model of some kind.

Where's the story: athlete dated model? Call the papers! Or call Fire Joe Morgan, which reads said papers.

I saw a picture of his old squeeze--if you can "squeeze" a 90 lb. human being--and it's been bothering me. Whilst trolling around Chicago on the bus the last few days, it has been a persistent thought that maybe the Brady saga can help get at the least-discussed aspect of athletes in America: they are irredeemably gay. See, they just don't know it. But we can know it, if we use our eyes and brains. Note, please, that there is nothing wrong with latent homosexual tendencies, but this would be a better country, not to mention a funnier one, if we all just 'fessed up to our desires.

Worth a review: Old "girl"friend, Moynahan:

Now, it's not like Brady was dating this beast:

But you will agree Moynahan is a bit on the bony side, not to mention she's quite boyish and obviously hates her boobs, such as they are, because she has them winched down under her armpits. Try wrapping your balls around your knees sometime, fellas. It's tres chic!

So, the question is, whom did Brady leave that hunk o' mannish meat for?

Ahem:

"Yowza" is right! "Honey, is that my bony protruberance digging into my thigh, or yours?" "Testes, testes, one, two...three?" ...and so on.

You can go here and get a rundown of just how manly the "top fashion models" are. A note on that: take a look at Kate Moss. I've never really looked at her before, but she is strikingly similar in appearance to her old early-90's flame, one Johnny Depp. In the spirit of this post, it would seem that, at least presumably, Johnny Depp used to fuck a woman who could be his twin. Tell me that isn't creepy.

Now, is any of this actually helping prove that athletes are all secretly gay? No. You might just as well point out the large number of Republicans in professional sports (including large numbers of minority athletes) and say that makes them gay--since one thing we learned last November is that all Republicans privately like to smoke the piece pipe. But that would be pure speculation, just like reading gayness into Alex Rodriguez's comments last week that he misses having "sleepovers" with Derek Jeter. Or taking pro athlete's obsession with musculature, preening, and semi-nudity and calling it a gay. I mean, "day."

But, in my world, women look like this:
And dudes look like this:

And not like this:

So, to sum up, athletes are gay, they just don't know it. You can bet their "lady" friends know it, though, because to paraphrase the old joke, the best thing about a woman who's built like a 12-year-old girl is that you can flip her over and pretend she's a 12-year-old boy!

Maybe we're all secretly gay. That would be cool. But if we are, then let's just admit it, instead of demanding that all men slavishly read the Swimsuit Issue "to look at the chicks." That's as far from female sexy as you can get, and everybody knows it. You have eyes and a brain, use them.

I give latent homesexuality in sports 10 slightly-cupping pats on the ass out of 10.