Stupid Idiots

Suicide bomber blows himself up inside the perimeter of Bagram Air Force Base in Iraq. Dozens killed and more wounded. Cheney is inside the base at the time, too. US government rejects phoned-in claim by Taliban that it coordinated the bombing to strike at Cheney, using the following rationale: "I think it's a far-fetched allegation. The vice president wasn't even supposed to be here overnight, so this would have been a surprise to everybody."

Yes, one good thing about Afghanis, they don't have eyes or mouths, and information never, ever makes its way from one person to another. In fact, all of the citizenry live in individual little bubbles. The caller from the Taliban was just grasping and so he picked a name at random and said "Cheney." In fact, we have a transcript of the call:

Unidentified Caller: "Uh, hello? Yes, can I get two orders of pita garlic sticks, one family-sized hummus platter--"

US Air Force Official: "No, no! This is Bagram Air Force Base! Yoooo esssss aaaaay? You speaky the English?"

Unidentified Caller: "Well, yeah. I mean, I just said..."

US Air Force Official: "Look, Rahib, we just had this little thing we call a bombing here at the base, so I don't have time to fuck with this shit right now. Take your little kids outside to throw rocks at tanks or something, 'cause we're busy. You have the wrong number."

Unidentified Caller: "Hey, where do you get off talking to me that way? I LIVE here, man!"

US Air Force Official: "Hahaha! Only a camel jockey would cop to that! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to spreading civilization to this hellhole by escorting a very important US official to a meeting with your HSNIC--" *translator's note: I think he actually meant to play on the old racist American expression "head n***** in charge, but added the "s," presumably, for "sand"?*

Unidentified Caller: "OK, then since you're just going to be a dick, try this on for size--"

US Air Force Official: "Did you say "Dick"? How did you know the Vice President was here?!"

Unidentified Caller: "(muffled giggles) ...he was...uh, our target, pale faces! Um, me no likey Great Satan and, uh, death to empiricism...no, wait! Imperialism! Death to imperialism! Now, let's get off "dicks," 'cause your mama just got offa mine! Peace!"

**end of call**

And Dick Cheney still doesn't think Afghanistan is even the least bit of a problem. For that, I give him an "A". And then two "s"-es, and then an "h-o-l" and an "e".

I give Aghanistan--the whole country--ten thumbs up for being fucking hilarious.