GREAT RIDER!!

Forget Con-Air. Forget Windtalkers. And you can throw Guarding Tess in the trash. If you want to see Nicolas Cage in his greatest role since Valley Girl you must see Ghost Rider. Nicolas Cage remains a cabernet sauvignon, or perhaps a nebbiolo. A complex and aquired taste that is hard to take at first but soon you find you can't do without. That being said, you can keep that pussy-ass pinot noir (John Cusack) shit.

I must start with the commercials. They suck. Stop holding me hostage while you fill my mind with the false assertion that Vista is better than running up a mountain or a snow day or the Berlin Wall comming down or Pele for Christ sake. Nothing is better than Pele.

This movie had everything. Crazy old St. Nick, some old queen as the devil, some creep- ass creep as his son, Sam Elliot, and a very subdued Rosie Perez. I thought she was all finger snaps and "no he didn't". Just kidding it was Eva Mendez. She has a great rack. They should have fired the costume designer. How is she going to responsibly report the news when her boobies are falling out. She also has man-hands.

Sam Elliot has finally shed his corporeal form in exchange for a visage composed entirely of facial hair and tobacco juice. It looks as gross as it sounds.

So the movie starts with this kid (not fit to hold Cage's jock strap) jumping through flaming hoops on a motorcycle. His dad also jumps through hoops. We are led to believe that his father gets cancer from cigarettes but this reporter ain't buying it. Maybe it is years of sucking gas fumes or drinking five bottles of burboun a day. So young Johnny Blaze makes a deal with this queer old devil played by Peter Fonda, dad gets better then eats it on his next jump. That will teach that little shit. So he leaves his girlfriend(little Eva Mendez) and gays off into the sunset.

Blah,Blah Blah. Fast forward to the TNT (titties n trucks)scene. Johnny Blaze jumps 13 tractor trailers. Totally awesome. Fast foreward yet again to the TNH(titties n helicopters-yes I said helicopters)where after succesfully jumping 5 blackhawks with rotors spinning he meets Eva Mendez. She is a reporter covering the jump. Nothing much else happens for 45 minutes except that we see that Johnny Blaze is at least as wierd as Nicolas Cage.

Finally we get to see the ghost rider. he saves some fat chick after killing some demon. Sadly by this point in the movie the dead hillbilly count is only at one. But we do see the penance stare.

After that it gets lame again for a few minutes.

For the grand finale the ghost rider enlists the help of Sam Elliot. Everybody and their mother has figured out that he knows too much about Blaze's condition. Everyone except Johnny Blaze. What a dumb ass. Even when Sam Elliot whistles for a horse that seems to materialize from the mist. Even when he is in possesion of the scroll that the devil wants. Even when the horse bursts into a flaming skeleton demon horse Blaze does not get that Sam Elliot was the last ghost rider. What a dumb shit.

Finally the movie climaxes in an orgy of demon shooting, penance staring and lizard burning. I had no idea that you could kill demons with a shotgun. By this point in the movie I was ready to kill the assbag behind me that insisted on repeating every,I repeat every line in the movie and was not very concerned with how ghost rider was going to kill the devils son. But it was awesome.