A piece of advice for Wayne Ellington

Dear Wayne,

You're a freshman, and you play at UNC. I know this probably makes you pretty big-headed, but if you like, I'll send you a tape of your performance in this year's NCAA Tournament that you can watch whenever you get a little too big-for-your-britches.

To put it nicely, you sucked ass.

I mean, sure: you scored 12 points in the first round against Eastern Kentucky, and you had 5 assists and only 2 turnovers. But you committed 4 fouls and anyway, that was a blowout victory against a crap school. You really had me worried when you followed that with a 5 point, 1-for-4 shooting effort in over 20 minutes against Michigan State. I mean, what the fuck, Wayne? You were a high school All-American!

This weekend you got off to a truly shittacular start, shooting 6-for-16, with no assists, 1 turnover, and no made-three-pointers in 28 minutes against USC. You rotted so bad they had to burn the floor after you dragged your sorry ass off of it. The team survived, Wayne, no thanks to you.

And then today. Oh, today. Just now, in fact. Wayne, I want you to take this offseason and think about what you did. You have a choice to make, son, and it's between playing the game of basketball the way God, Dr. Naismith, and Dean Smith intended, or transferring to Duke, you three-happy, dumb fuck, couldn't-hit-yourself-much-less-the-basket little dimwit!

Perhaps you were caught up in the drama of the game, with all the CBS-paid referees doing their best to make it thrilling by ceasing to call fouls on Georgetown--a bruising team that took full advantage--but were you aware, Wayne, that your teammate, Tyler Hanbrough, had 26 points in that game and was a perfect 14-14 at the free throw line? That's important, Wayne, because when you had the ball in your hands in the last 10 seconds, with the score tied at 81, Hansbrough was there, ready and capable of getting that one single point the Tar Heels needed to win (see, Wayne: 82 is 1 more than 81).

But instead, you shot a three and missed it. Badly. It was a dumb shot, taken by a player who to that point was a big, fat 1-5 from the field (I hear you missed like 3 more shots in the overtime). You ended up with 5 total points in the game.

My advice to you, Wayne: don't shoot. Think about what it takes to win the game, and then do that in the shortest possible time. And practice not sucking, because next year, you owe millions of North Carolinians. You dumb ass.

**I will now go back to regular posting, and say no more of this accursed NCAA Tournament, its crooked officials, or the boil on my ass, named Wayne Ellington.