The Human Skin Envelope, Please

And the new Pope is: Cardinal Ratzinger! Congratulations, Your Holiness, on winning the papal sweepstakes. As a parting gift, you will receive the hearts and minds of 1 billion Catholics and the undying enmity of 500 million Jews--in light of that whole "I was a Nazi during WWII" thing. As a hardline conservative, you inherit the unenviable task of dragging women, minorities, and free-thinking people back to the kitchen/bedroom, the cotton field/rice paddy, and the Dark Ages, respectively.

But, you have secret weapon: the overlooked conservative policies of your predecessor, the vastly overrated John Paul II, who did more to hurt women, children (unless sexual abuse is somehow good for them, now?), gays, and Latin American liberation theologists than any other person on earth. And he was right to do it: I mean, who wouldn't want to be a slave in Guatemala forever? I know I would!

So, best of luck to you, Benedict XVI! You'll need it; just like you'll need your considerable people-managing skills, like the ones you honed as a guard at a Nazi factory that used Jewish slave labor.

Go get 'em, tiger!!