Adultery = Murder

I agree wholeheartedly with conservatives on one issue: the sanctity of marriage. That's why I, along with all my liberal buddies, joined forces with our batshit-crazy rightwing brethren over Michael Schiavo's right to disconnect his wife from life support.
In addition, I am thrilled to see that Congressional Republicans are pushing hard for an amendment to any federal "Defense of Marriage" Act, that will criminalize adultery and immoral behavior by either partner in a marriage. Rudy Giuliani is reportedly on board, telling Cokie Roberts that he "ought to have to pay for leaving my wife in that hospital while she was getting treated for cancer. I mean--I--I'm serious here: kicking my kids out of Gracie Mansion and moving in my secretary, who I was banging at the time; that's just not morally right."
Rep. Henry Hyde, avatar of Whitewater and the Clinton impeachment, also expressed remorse for his past peccadilloes with Congressional interns, telling reporters from Chicago, Illinois' ABC-7 that he felt "terrible" about his hypocrisy. Other members of the Republican party, including Senate majority leader Bill Frist, Rep. Newt Gingrich, Tom DeLay, former Rep. Joe Scarborough, who murdered his intern/lover, and Dennis Hastert, along with some Democrats, led by intern-groper extraordinaire Joe Lieberman, admitted that they had all done things they were "not proud of" during their careers, and that they felt that the Defense of Marriage Act was necessary to ensure that they did not repeat past mistakes.
"I'm only human," sobbed Lieberman. "I mean, it was OK to blame Bill for the Monica scandal--can't you see that I wanted to be President? Besides, he had a foxy wife at home--have you seen the horror show that is my wife?" All Republicans present nodded gravely and muttered similar statements about their ugly wives.
Look, people. This ain't hard to figure out: adultery is killing our country. All our strife, all our problems, can be traced back to an undone zipper somewhere. Call it the "magic fly" thesis, but what's wrong with the US of A can't be made right until the pants go back on and the dignity is restored to our elected representatives. For as we all know, it's dignity that separates the Joe Liebermans of the world from the rest of us scum.

And THAT, more than anything, is why we have, as our duty, to give full support to the Defense of Marriage Act. Unless, of course, the Republicans don't, for some reason, want to play by the same rules they've been pushing on everybody else for the last ten years. But that would be bald hypocrisy, and everyone would see through it in an instant. The alternative is too horrible to consider: the careers of honest, rational civil servants and intellectuals would end, politics as we know it would be stood on its head, and we'd be living in a Twilight Zone land of cognitive dissonance where abject stupidity carried the day.

Somebody cue up the Golden Earring...