Newsflash: Government is Lying to You

So...

When told by one of his "town hall" scripted monkey fans that citizens might consider buying government bonds instead of blindly handing over their life savings to junk bond traders, the President (I know, I know. I wanted to leave him out altogether but I couldn't figure a way) responded that those bonds were a bad bet, because the deficit is growing out of control.

Good one, chimpy.

In other news, "Clear Skies" legislation gets voted down under a new program of conciliation Democrats are calling the "Initiative to Work Closely with Our Friends in the White House." Hey, if they can just make shit up, so can we.
Next on the docket: Democrats propose a "Lifetime Health and Wellness Package" for Republicans that involves cutting off their nuts and dragging their naked bodies through the streets.

And, finally, the Pentagon has absolved itself from any responsibility for Iraq torture scandals. In their own report, which was apparently compiled by interns who never left the building or did any research, the Pen found that it was utterly blameless and concluded with this statement: "We above the damn law, bitches!! Boo-YAH!!!"