I Am Shit

The movie "I Am Sam," "starring" Sean Penn and Michelle Pfeiffer (where did her career go??), is the most treacly piece of horseshit I have ever had the misfortune to passively view ("passive viewing," a term I can now claim to have coined, is when somebody else has the TV on and you cannot escape following along with the garbage that they are watching). Every one of the stupid shits in this travesty over-emotes to the point that I think they agreed to do the film as an alternative to paying their therapist that month. Penn, especially, seems to be working through some big issues, like "Holy dick! I was married to Madonna! How did I blow THAT??! I am such a fucking numbnuts!! AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!"
The "story," such as it is, concerns Seanny boy, playing a retarded guy whose major affliction seems to be that he has no volume control, and his dipshit daughter. "The State," whoever the fuck that is, wants to take his daughter away because, you know, he's retarded. The State's attorney and the judge are, respectively, the world's biggest retard-hater and an impassionate, illogical fuckwad. This is what passes for characters these days.
So, anyway, Michelle Pfeiffer, the pro bono attorney who takes Sam's case (and did I mention that she has a lousy relationship with her son--hint, fucking hint), takes the hopeless case. Hopeless because, you know, The State would never let a retard keep his obviously brilliant, well-adjusted daughter. Because, you know, he's a retard. If you think I am exaggerating, see the movie--that is what passes for a fucking plot these days, and yes, it is that fucking obvious what the filmmakers want you to take away from this sack of shit. On second thought, don't see the movie.
Of course, Sam and his progeny have a great reunion, after The State takes her away, based on the evidence that Sam is a great father and a caring human being--all the traits you really don't want in a father. Really, what in the world would make anyone hurt this guy? A judge that would take his kid away would also take away Mother Teresa'a rosary beads. The people making this film poke you in the eye with all this Jobean torment of an innocent, and then expect you to take the film seriously. Look, guys, I don't believe in God because if the Book of Job is correct, he just likes to manipulate people for his own amusement. For the same reason (and with far, far less significance for my life) I despise "I Am Sam." These douchebags are just fucking with the viewers.
Let's get another thing straight: this movie never happened. These characters never existed, this situation never occurred, anywhere in the world; and this whole production is a high school-level drama troupe attempt to clean out your tearducts. The big, bad State is not out to get retards--or anyone else with white skin, for that matter. Furthermore, if this film is meant to make us question the threshold for "good parenting" (a little giveaway for sharper readers: the secret ingredient to everything, according to this film and "The Fifth Element," is love for fuck's sake), then it fails utterly and completely. No one in this movie is a good parent except the drooler, and he annoys the living piss out of us! I plan to have kids one day, but I am not about to become a baby-talking simpleton for that purpose. Furthermore, I will retard-ize anyone who tries to take my kids away--I ain't no fucking victim like this blowhole. Just what are we supposed to be learning from a bumbling patsy stuck in an Orwellian nightmare?
Finally, the movie itself, visually, is horrible. Especially the courtroom scenes, which look like they were filmed in a closet. By a monkey. A retarded monkey. Perhaps this movie was conceived, written, and directed by retarded monkeys, as a sort of affirmative action for monkeys-meets cinema of the weird experiment. All I know is that, when a director starts screwing with the lighting and camera angles, it's a pretty sure bet that he didn't have enough story to get through the film and the tricky bullshit was all he could think of. God forbid anybody should, I don't know, think of a better plot! The monkeys hypothesis would at least wash away some of the unending, crushing burden of guilt that the makers of this film should feel, not only for exploiting retards and smarmy little kids, but for stealing two hours of my life! Give it BACK, you cunt-faced bitches!! I would rather have spent my time looking at Madonna's tits!!

AAAAAAAaaaaaahhhhhh!!!