Yeah, I saw Steel Magnolias. And?

Quote from the total horseshit "profile" of the "Curious Mind of John McCain" online at the Washington Post today ("The Feeble Mind of John McCain" would be more apt): "I'm happy with the way our campaign is run. . . . It should be chaotic, I should have Mark [Salter] and Steve and Rick and Charlie and these guys on the line arguing with each other and saying, 'Baloney!' . . ." So, your campaign is being run by some guys, three of whom are named Mark, Rick, and Steve, who are chaotic, dramatic, and who use girly-swears like "baloney!" and, one assumes, "fiddlesticks!" John McCain is the nation's top employer of gay political consultants, apparently. Maybe I'm all wrong on this old queen.

"If I win this campaign," McCain said, "historians will say, 'He was a genius' " who adapted under pressure."

Ha ha. Ha. Hmmm. As an historian, John, you should reconsider what you believe we'll say about you in hindsight. Out of respect, we'll probably wait until you're dead and in the ground before we begin saying those things -- those awful, awful, true things -- but at least you can take comfort in the fact that you won't be around to hear them. Your child bride, Cindy, though, may not be able to concentrate on passing her driver's test, what with all the shit we'll be digging up on your dead ass. Or, maybe she'll have moved on and she'll be getting ready for her prom date with the reanimated corpse of Jesse Helms. You know what they say, "once you go senior, death can't come between 'yer." Or something.

McCain is "proud" of himself because as a committee chairman in the Senate, he likes to get witnesses from opposite sides together and watch them fight. This is how he determined that global warming was "real." The expert on warming made a better case, in his mind, than the expert for the Heritage Foundation/Bush administration. On that day. In McCain's opinion. So now, according to him, "the debate is settled." IT WAS NEVER UP FOR DEBATE, IDIOT!

He also thinks, or is willing to represent, that he lost in South Carolina in 2000 in part because of a flap over the redneck towel, otherwise known as the Confederate battle flag. Or, it was because your bestest friend in the world, George W. Bush, chopped you off at the knees and then pissed on your whole fucking existence and slandered your family. Nice gut-check, old man.

And finally, his aides recently taught him how to "read news and political blogs" online. OK. Let me give this a stab. Hi, John. You look cranky. What's that? Your newspaper didn't arrive yet? Um, we're 30,000 feet up in the air, flying to a campaign event in Des Moines? Do you know what day it is? Sir? Sir? You have a computer, why not just go to Google and type in "news" or "political blogs" and have a field day? Hello -- stay with me, John. Help, I need help over he-- I think he's having an aneurysm! Crash cart!!"