Frank Rich, Hermetically Sealed

Frank Rich has an op-ed in the New York Times that points out what we already know but haven't yet discussed: John McCain is a total unknown to the voting public. Perhaps that is because he speaks in tongues, or at least it sounds like gibberish to me. Or maybe it's the same fucking shitty media coverage we get every election cycle: the Democrat is far more fun to beat up on than the drooler from the GOP. In any case, Rich's call to get to know the real, angry, stupid, venal McCain would be great, except that Rich writes for the most isolated, provincial, easiest-to-dismiss-on-its-face newspaper in the country. Quit your job, Frank, and get a real soapbox. The Times is finished as a fertile ground for virtual democracy and honest discussion.

While we're on the subject of John McCain, I would suggest to the Puckish media, which delights in chaos for its own sake, absent any point or purpose (and certainly without any intention of educating the public or bettering this world), that it dust off that old narrative that certain politicians are prone to exaggeration. You will recall that it was the storyline of the Clinton presidencies, the Gore campaign, and the Kerry debacle.

I submit, however, that this time the media inject new life into that narrative by adding a twist: apply this lens to McCain, the Republican, and mock him for something that actually happened. So, Al Gore (according to our most venerated "reporters," including Maureen Dowd (from inside the bubble), Katie Couric, George Will, et al) invented the internet? Based on John McCain's rapidly evolving, ever-changing website and online campaign, it appears that he really is waging his campaign almost totally on the internet, kind of like...like...oh, yeah: MoveOn.org, that unsuccessful, derided, leftist online amalgam! Great plan! The story there? "John McCain discovered the internet."

Think about it. The man is proud of his inability to master simple button-pushing technology (he may have had his jet converted to a hand-crank starter in Vietnam, we'll have to check). Yet, his is the most massively-online campaign I can remember, in terms of how often his web misadventures become public knowledge. The McCain people, moreover, are stealing, as fast as they can, elements of seemingly every web site they encounter and incorporating all those "new" components into their own web designs. Hence the increasing sophistication of McCain's own website in tandem with the burgeoning clunkiness of it and his media releases. He's like the Simpsons' Mr. X (you know, the dimming pop cultural touchstone TV show, The Simpsons? I don't want to sound like one of those gay liberals who references things to show I'm "hip to the kids."), who, upon "discovering" the internet himself, steals little widgets and add-ons for his own site, never realizing that he has created a risible mish-mash unpalatable to any but the most similarly-ignorant novices. Well, that's John McCain and his campaign. "You say we can get a "hit counter"? Neat-o. Now, what is that, exactly? We can add video to our "yoooo-tooo-ooob" things? Wow! Do people still think Paris Hilton is cool? Do kids still say that, "cool"? Oke. Now we're on easy street!"

There must be some media types out there looking for a new, possibly pointless diversion to carry them through the summer. "McCain discovers the internet" is my suggestion. Or, challenge McCain to go three sentences without saying "my friends," which is apparently the "um, like" of the over-70 crowd.