Putting the "White" in "Weissbier"

Coors and Miller to Combine.

Now, Miller, I stayed with you when you got bought by that South African outfit. And, I didn't run away when you started selling beer in plastic bottles (a true "what the fuck" moment if ever there was one). I haven't written any angry letters to your advertising department in response to your consistently idiotic and annoying commercials. I have allowed myself to believe that because your cans say "Union Made Beer" on them, you are a good employer despite reports to the contrary. I don't mind that you are based in Milwaukee, the butthole of Lake Michigan. Though your storage tanks looked more than a little bit rusty last time I drove through town, I didn't let it bother me. Sometimes, Miller High Life tastes like soap, but I drink it anyway. This is just a partial list of the things I've done for you.

But joining up with Crazy Pete Coors is the last straw. He's a racist and a bigot and he funds his far-right political activities with the money he gets from selling watery beer to cash-strapped frat boys. Molson bought into Crazy Pete a few years ago (or was it the other way around?) and has gotten nowhere by it and now you want to get a piece of that action? I'll say to you what I said the last time I had some of Pete's beer: barf.

May I suggest, by way of a parting gift, some new beers to launch your partnership? How about taking Leinenkugel's back to its ethnic roots with "Lein Kampf," a tall, blonde, pure brew in a blue bottle? Coors can chip in with a pale beer honoring your South African connections, "Apart-ale"--sold separately in clear and brown bottles. How about a draft-only selection reflecting Pete's anti-immigration views, to be poured not from "taps" or "spigots," but rather from labeled "Spic-ets"?

Adios, Miller. It's back to redneck beer from St. Louis for me!