Out with the Old, in with the Andruw

Ugh. That hurt even me. Anyway, the Cubs are shedding dead weight this off season and need to improve tremendously next year to compete (in the playoffs; they should be able to waltz to the division title without even trying, but that's like saying you won the NFC North or the NHL's Western Conference Central--there's only one competent team in either division).

The Chubs desperately need pitching and one more power hitter. They already have some dependable guys, namely (and in this order) Derrek Lee at first and hitting (ideally) third, Aramis Ramirez at third/hitting fourth, Jacque Jones in right/hitting wherever (could the team possibly waste him any more?), and Alfonso Soriano in left/hitting second. Though, for reasons unknown, Soriano-the-strikeout-machine has been the Cubs' leadoff hitter since he arrived. He has power, but he hit 13 leadoff homeruns this year and those are the least useful homeruns you can hit. He doesn't get on base all that well, so at least put him at the plate with the chance there'll be someone on ahead of him that can score on a hit.

After Lee, Ramirez, and Soriano, it appears that a rookie, Geovany Soto, will be the starting catcher next year, which is great because Soto was the Pacific Coast League's MVP this past season, hitting over .350 with 20-some HR. The PCL is a notorious hitters' league, but if Soto can hit .270 with 15 HR that will be awesome. He still should hit eighth.

And...that's about it for the hitters. Mark DeRosa signed a 3-year contract last season to play 2B, although he would be better in left and Soriano would play the hell out of second in a perfect--read: logical--Cubs world. DeRosa is a fine player, but he's a step slow for the infield and it showed in the playoffs last week when he failed to turn a double play and couldn't chase down hits up the middle. Soriano is a perfectly terrible outfielder who never wanted to play there in the first place and makes it look like no fun at all. Also, he misplays the ball. A lot. Elsewhere in the field, we have ninety-year-old Cliff Floyd sometimes playing the outfield and generally underperforming, but, hey, everybody knows you have to have another left-handed hitter. Because...well just because, OK? Shut up! Then there's the Two You Love to Boo, from LSU, Mike Fontenot (2B/SS; 8 errors in 65 games this year), and Ryan Theriot (SS/2B) who hit a fat .266 with 3 (!) HR in 2007. That's your everyday shortstop, Cubs fans. But, because he "hustles" and his last name can be read as "The Riot," he's our favorite person all of a sudden. At least he's cheap...

The rest of the dead weight consists of Jason Kendall, whose contract, thankfully, is up; Ronny Cedeno, who is a shitty fielder AND somehow also a terrible hitter and baserunner and yet is persistently on the roster; Henry Blanco, who was signed as Greg Maddux's personal catcher but is still here even though ol' Greg has been in San Diego for 2 years; and Matt Murton, who was once a promising left fielder but is now just a bench warmer and lousy hitter.

Jason Kendall made $13,429,523 in 2007. Now he's a free agent. Ditto Wade Miller, who never pitched for the club and still made $1,500,000 last year. Also, Scott Eyre, who has an option (which the Cubs damn sure better not pick up) and made $4 million last year. So, there's at least $19 million or so to throw at some free agents! Woohoo!

Priorities, gentlemen. Hitting = #1. Starting pitching = #2. Who should the Cubs go after? For starters, Andruw Jones. Chicago needs a great centerfielder and he's it. Also, he can crush the living fuck out of the old horsehide and he's still relatively young. Added bonus: he had a miserable year in 2007 at the plate: career lows in every statistical category except RBI. As a 12-year veteran, that is what's known as a "fluke," and while it's ridiculously out of whack with his average numbers, 2007 means that Andruw will command significantly less money as a free agent than he would have if he'd had his usual .265/35 HR/90 R/100 RBI season. He made $14 million last year--or about the same as Jason Fucking "I Suck Balls" Hasn't-hit-a-HR-in-3-years Kendall. A hitting lineup of Soriano-Lee-Ramirez-J. Jones (because he's left-handed!)-A. Jones is a wet dream compared to what the Cubs have now. And defensively, he's worth his (considerable) weight in gold (I mean to imply both that he is a great fielder and also that he's fat--but never have I seen a fat man run so well!). As someone who watched the miserable highwire act/farce that was the Cubs' centerfield carousel this season, Jones alone is worth 5 wins. At least.

There's a lot of talk about signing A-Rod and letting him play SS again, and to that I say: go for it! That would be the all-time, can't stop jizzing my Dockers, calloused palms and bloody glans dream. But, since this is the Cubs we're talking about here, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Andruw Jones would be a genius acquisition and I don't even think that's likely; A-Rod would be Nobel Prize-level thinking, and this is the organization that actually thought Soriano would make a good centerfielder without seeing him play a single game there. These are the people who brought you George Bell and Hector Villanueva in the outfield. This is the team that let Andre Dawson go so it could get Mr. Bell. The Cubs passed on Kenny Lofton, lo those few years ago, so it could give every farmhand in the system a shot at looking lost in center field and at the plate. In short: if you give the Cubs the benefit of the doubt (nevermind believing in them), they'll remind you of the definition of "foolish."

On the pitching front, the Cubs obviously need at least 1 more starter. The bullpen is mediocre-to-good, but it'll take care of itself. Relievers, individually, just don't get enough chances to change games to worry about signing the best ones out there. Unfortunately, there are no good starting options out there this year. Maybe Tom Glavine? He doesn't want to return to the Mets and he's still better than most younger players, but he makes about $7 million a year. Livan Hernandez is an innings-eater, but he's in the playoffs with Arizona and will probably look to cash in one more time before retiring. Signing him would be a mistake.

For some reason, and despite the attempt in writing this out to make myself feel better, renewed confidence has been elusive. At least, no matter what, the Cubs will be better than Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay next year.