What's Up with Jail?

How come nobody just goes to jail anymore?

Some douchehole named "Tank Johnson," who's apparently a lineman for the Bears, violated probation and today he got sent to jail for 4 months. Except, not really.

See, besides the fact that Johnson is like 100-feet tall and weighs somewhere north of a ton, and thus is by default the alpha male in any room, he's getting the VIP treatment from Cook County corrections.

The charges have to do with illegal firearms and the shooting of a friend in a nightclub. Clearly, this man doesn't believe that "laws" are real. He's not someone I want to sit next to on the CTA. Or, in his world, I don't want to sit next to Tank Johnson in my $250,000 Ferrari, either. He's a dickhead.

But in Cook County Jail, he's a dickhead who gets to dictate all other inmates' schedules. See, he gets 2 hours a day in a common room, with a TV and a phone. Because of his "celebrity"--if you can call getting your ass handed to you in the Super Bowl noteworthy--every other inmate has to wait and can only use the common space when sTank Johnson isn't in there.

Send your donated toothbrushes, which can be sharpened on a bed rail to make a first-class shiv, to:

Tank Johnson Ventilation Fund
Cook County Jail
50 W. Washington St.
Chicago, IL 60602