"Bitches to the left of me..."

The other evening I watched a program on PBS. I was feeling like a bad boy, 'cause I did not pledge this year. Take that Betty White! I think it was called "Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes." I also don't remember the name of the guy that made it. I do remember what it was about; thats right Betty, I stole the info, now leave me alone you old biddy!

Host guy starts off by telling us that he loves hip hop. To which I replied,"Me too." Finally, something cool on PBS. Anyhow, the documentary deals with three subjects very dear to my heart: Guns, Bitches, and Gays. The panel includes such dignitaries as Michael Eric Dyson, Chuck D, Mos Def, Talib Kweli and Kevin Powell.

Wait a second, did you say "Kevin Powell?" Who is he, some super-academic with a brain the size of a triple whopper? Wrong! He was just an angry black guy on the first "Real World" ever, so you know he has street cred.

What the fuck?

However, Chuck D is still the greatest of all time--like the Muhammad Ali of rap.

"Violence rules! Guns are cool..." Well, I forgot the rest of that particular nursery rhyme but you get the idea (**editor's note: wasn't that just a Dead Milkmen song?). Violence is pervasive, and in rap music it's down right insidious. Insidious in the same way as sheetrock dust when you sand your walls. The next thing you know, that shit is everywhere.

So host guy gets down to brass tacks. He asks this fat guy, named "Fat Joe" (oddly enough- his mother must have been clairvoyant), why all the violence and acting hard? The bombshell of the century amounts to "I don't know". Thanks for nothing, fatty.

On to the next rapper. His name is something like "Jadakiss." Never heard of him. Apparently they caught him in the middle of a bowl of marble soup, 'cause you can't understand a fucking word coming out of his mouth. I think Marblemouth's theory is that it's there because it sells. Host guy opted not to jump into the philosophical abyss with this guy (thank the maker).

So basically, rappers act hard 'cause that's what people want. Like bare knuckle boxing and cock fighting, and the stuffed shirts at Clear Channel who wish to push the image of the young black man as a savage. Cool.

"Bitches to the left of me. Bitches to the right. Go get me a beer bitch before I put out your light." That's a lyric from the title track of the new Stinky G and the Olfactory album. That guy loves his bitches. But not so with every hip hop artist. It seems that they really don't love them hos. It also seems that the only people offended by me referring to my tricks as bitches are liberal white guys (read gay). Okay there are a few black "leaders" and academics that raise their voice in protest but guess what; you assholes are still buying the shit! Except for Michael Eric Dyson. He probably listens to James Taylor or some other gay shit. I mean really: you can't learn how to demean women from that fucktard. Carly Simon totally had his bells in a sling.

Finally, the gays. I always knew it would come down to the gays in the end (up the end?). I thought this was one of those stereotypes, like "black people are afraid of dogs," or "they don't like to swim," or are "they're really attracted to fat ugly white chicks." But this one turns out to be true--black dudes do hate the gays! They also love fat ugly white chicks.

Busta Rhymes would not even talk about it. Like talking about it will make his mouth water. Uh oh! I just tripped over a pink elephant. Who put that there? This is the best part of the documentary.

It goes like this: all these rappers and wannabe rappers being uncomfortable talking about gays. Then flash to the cover of a 50 Cent album where he is all greased up like a Dan Savage jungle fever fantasy. But wait, there seems to be a plethora of half naked greased up rappers in videos and on the album covers! I would much rather look at your six-pack abs than look at six pieces of ass.

All in all this program was a lot like this review. Not very informative but slightly entertaining.