Everyone is Stupid but Me

Rick Reilly, who I suspect lives in an all-white suburb somewhere (possibly Utah?), has a piece on CNNSI.com about the heartbreaking story of a Little Leaguer (in Utah, so if I'm right about Honky Reilly, he didn't have to work very hard for this story) who survived brain cancer but struck out to end a championship game. Very sad.

You may remember Reilly as that guy who writes that "column" on the back page of Sports Illustrated--you know, the article you skip until you happen to be taking a shit and Sports Illustrated just happens to be in the can, and you briefly think about wiping your ass w...hey hey! An article I didn't see before! What's this, an arresting personal take on those new helmets they're wearing in the majors? A think piece about how long NBA players' shorts have gotten? How Michael Jordan and the Bulls of the 90's were actually pretty ordinary teams, but the 1968 Celtics, now there was a fuckin' team, sonny!

What I'm saying is, if you don't regularly wipe your...I mean, read Rick Reilly's column, then you're really missing out. And overspending for toilet paper.

So here's the story.

Key paragraphs, you lazy bastards:

"In a nine- and 10-year-old PONY league championship game in Bountiful, Utah, the Yankees lead the Red Sox by one run. The Sox are up in the bottom of the last inning, two outs, a runner on third. At the plate is the Sox' best hitter, a kid named Jordan. On deck is the Sox' worst hitter, a kid named Romney. He's a scrawny cancer survivor who has to take human growth hormone and has a shunt in his brain.
So, you're the coach: Do you intentionally walk the star hitter so you can face the kid who can barely swing?
Wait! Before you answer.... This is a league where everybody gets to bat, there's a four-runs-per-inning max, and no stealing until the ball crosses the plate. On the other hand, the stands are packed and it is the title game.
So ... do you pitch to the star or do you lay it all on the kid who's been through hell already?
Yanks coach Bob Farley decided to walk the star.
Parents booed. The umpire, Mike Wright, thought to himself, Low-ball move. In the stands, Romney's eight-year-old sister cried. "They're picking on Romney!" she said. Romney struck out. The Yanks celebrated. The Sox moaned. The two coaching staffs nearly brawled.
And Romney? He sobbed himself to sleep that night."

Uh, what?

Is this guy serious? And later in the article he wants the readers to decide whether this was "right" or "wrong." Come again? Or as Romney might say, "Shunt the fuck up, Reilly! You're killing me!"

First of all--and I can't believe that somebody has to tell Rick Reilly this--Lil' Romney was on a baseball team. Did all his supporters, including the ones who weren't his fans until this moment, miss that fact? Did they really think he could play in a baseball game without striking out? Maybe he should have been on a chess team or something.

Jim Edmonds, who has nothing visibly wrong with him, is hitting .259 this year in the Major Leagues, and we know from his lifetime stats that he is a great baseball player. I can't imagine what he would be hitting if he, like Romney, had a shunt in his brain. Are the kid's parents really going to act like they're shocked that he struck out? Are his opponents supposed to pretend he's Ty Cobb and pitch around him, too? I mean, what the fuck do you people want?

But, of course, that is not what people are mad about. They think the coach of the other team should have pitched to the slugger and let gimpy Romney off the hook (unless, of course, the big hitter drew a walk or hit a single...for that matter, anything less than a home run; then the other coach was ostensibly supposed to tell his pitcher to hit Romney's bat, his infielders to trip over their shoes and fall down, and he himself was supposed to blow the little fella while he circled the bases. Right?

You know who's to blame here. Romney's own coach.

That's right. It's obvious: you don't slot your worst hitter behind your best. That's like putting "Hey! Stupid! Walk me!" on the power hitter's chest. Is this the first time this has ever been an issue? I find that hard to believe, unless Ol' Rom was a defensive substitution or a pinch-hitter (in which case, "WHAT?!?"). Barry Bonds, Lance Berkman, Jim Thome, Andruw Jones...every power hitter has protection behind him in the lineup.

When I played as a kid, I hit behind a kid named Ty, who could crank one over the fence, on average, every third trip to the plate. Me, I was more a gap hitter, so if you walked Ty, chances were I'd drive him in. Our worst player, who honest to God did have a bandage on his head and had Pellagra or something (God bless you, South), hit dead last. And you know what? We were all OK with that. He was, too. He didn't want to strike out in the clutch, either. Is Romney's coach new to the game, or is he the one who needs a brain scan?

Bottom line: don't put your team in that position, where they have to beg for mercy from an opponent and, if they don't get it the other guy looks like an asshole when really it's your own fault for being a fucking moron.

Don't tell that to the king of the morons, though, Rick Reilly.