North Carolinians Refuse to Beat Up Nonviolent Pastor

What has happened to my beloved South--particularly the parts closest to the Appalachians, where I have been firmly convinced that everyone drives a truck (even if they live in a flat ground trailer), owns a shotgun (even if they have eight kids and no locks on their cabinets), and would punch you in the face if they even suspected you of fucking with them?

How disappointed I was, then, to read that Chan Chandler (what a great name! Not the least bit immature or silly!), pastor extraordinaire of the Waynesville, NC Baptist church, has resigned without even challenging those who drove him from the pulpit to a duel. Or even a fistfight in the gravel parking lot. It could have to do with the fact that most of his opponents are, apparently, over the age of 60. Or maybe Chandler's just a pussy. Who knows? The AP, which did the story, paints it as some innocent cultural divide between young and old members who interpret the Bible differently. But I say it's clearly a story about how young southerners have become chickenshit crybabies who can't face their critics and who run away at the first sign of trouble. Maybe we North Carolinians need to redefine what it is to be a Tarheel: let's put pitch on these little bitches' feet so they can't run off when the action starts.

Of course, the AP tries to paint the opponents of Chandler as the bad guys, suggesting that it is they who are the whiners, but I think it's clear that the real story is somewhat different. I mean, damn, an old woman says that you can't preach that Republicans are going to Heaven and Democrats to Hell, and then says that you can't go around using your church as a political action committee because that would violate your tax-exempt status and betray the whole mission of the church as a place of peace, inclusion, and spiritual journey, and you're going to take that from her?!?

Again, I say it: pussy!