Protest Only in Winter

Futuristic weapons should be designed with the future in mind. By that I mean, people who make weapons for future needs have to conceptualize what combat in the future will look like. Lately we've seen all sorts of alternative technologies for futuristic quasi-combat. Mainly non-lethal, these things anticipate scenarios where some government thug militia--say, the police or Army--will have to subdue unruly mobs, usually in urban settings.

But now, for the first time, it appears that the US Army thinks, in the future, that rioters and hippies will be complete and total pussies who can't stand even momentary discomfort without running for shelter and weeping like little bitches.

How do we know this? Well, they've invented a heat-ray gun:

The article will explain how it works. I particularly like the fellow in the mock-up with his fist raised in the universal "down with whitey!" pose. For good measure, though, he also appears to have a greaser pompadour haircut and also be wearing bell-bottoms and strutting like a 70's pimp. Oh US Army, your idea of the future is soooo groovy!

The long and short of it is that a big dish blasts you with a short burst of hot air, which feels like "a hot oven" and only lasts for a very short period of time and also, if that weren't scary enough, penetrates the skin only a tiny bit, making the weapon, by the Army's own admission "Totally harmless"!

So, what they're saying is that the Army spent untold millions of dollars on this ray-gun (well, "ray-bowl," or "big wok") that has very limited applications. For instance, it could be used against rioting Eskimos, or Irishmen, or some other population that doesn't like warm temperatures--"up to 50C" or in real numbers, 122 degrees F. Or, the same temperature as hot tap water. "Like a blast from a hot oven," huh? The knob on my oven starts at 200 degrees, dickwad.

How hot IS 122 degrees? I found this cool article about people in Hawaii who get all itchy as a result of pathogens that grow in their hot water heater tanks. Why? Because the bacteria only grow at temperatures of about 120-122 degrees, which is the government standard for how hot your water heater can be. In other words, 122 degrees Fahrenheit is not very hot. Sorry to belabor the point.

The moral of the story (and this post!) is that future urban dissidents will need to suck it up and ignore the momentary, mildly uncomfortable, utterly harmless blasts of hot air coming from the Army guys. Good advice in any case, don't you think?