How to Make Friends and Influence People

If Democrats and liberals really were sewn, ass-to-mouth, to Hollywood as so many on the right seem to think, wouldn't the left do a better job of marketing itself?

Who could fail to take seriously anything said or written by a liberal pundit with a name like "Bernard Weiner" (seriously, you became a critic and your name is "whiner")? Or "Randolph T. Holhut;" or how about that paragon of left-wing awesomeness, "Brent Budowsky"?

Why not get "Karlos K. Krinklebine," or maybe "Scrodlund P. Dummyface"? Maybe those names will draw a vast readership.

We here at Too Clever By Half (TCBH) really do believe the reason why nobody has read anything Sy Hersh has written in the last six years (other than the fact that he writes for that ridiculous piece of utter pretentious garbage, the New Yorker) is that telling people that you just read a really interesting piece of investigative journalism by "Seymour Hersh" is the absolute end of that conversation. "Hi, I'm a bleeding-eyeballs liberal and part of the international Jewish-Hollywood conspiracy, and I'd like to share with you some insights from my favorite Communist mole, Jewy McJewerson, who writes for I Lick Clinton's Balls Weekly Magazine!"

Why wouldn't that start a word-of-mouth firestorm that would sweep the nation and also the Republicans from office? Do you know? How come nobody wants to talk to me when I say, "Hey, I just read the greatest critique of neo-conservatism, by Randolph T. Holhut..."?

If Democrats had any affiliation with Hollywood, Madison Avenue, or any other savvy industry leader, all left pundits would be named "Rock Strongo," "Charles Krauthammer" (Kraut-hammer? Cool! Still fixated on that whole Holocaust thing, Chuck?), or "James B. Awesome," or "David Brooks." Clearly, there is no connection between the Democratic Party, its supporters in the media, and the actual culture-makers in the business of entertainment or marketing.

Image is not everything. But it is the first part of gaining acceptance, and Democrats are utterly clueless about that fact. How else to explain our choice for President in 1988, Michael Dukakis? Or how about the name that just rolls off your tongue, presidential-hopeful Byron L. Dorgan? Who CAN'T imagine saying "President Dorgan" 10 times daily for at least 4 years? What about "President Blagojevich"? Or "President Scrodlund P. Dummyface"? It's just so natural!

Change your fucking name, lefty. How many columnists are there in the world with the last name "Weiner" or "Wiener" (they are equally bad)? Yes, I am a shallow, shitty person, but I am also a product of the culture, and since gradeschool I have been unable to take seriously anything preceded by the word "wiener". Don't look at me like that; get a pen name, stupid! If you are a TV personality (that is, you are too slow/too attractive to write down your thoughts), do what every studio, publisher, and talent agent does when they have some cash cow too valuable to go through life with an ugly name--change it!

I mean, you don't really think his name is actually "Ann Coulter," do you?