Primari-ly, This Is Boring

A few thoughts on the primary returns so far:

1. Katie Couric is terrible at her job. She still apparently doesn't know which camera to look at, when, and she also just referred to John McCain, GW Bush's pussywhipped little bitch, as "such a maverick." Suck it, the both of yous!

2. Pollsters have gone to shit since 2000. Look, fuckers, you weren't wrong! Gore DID win! The election was FAKE! Stop intentionally skewing your data to account for "voter caprice" that isn't there and never was! (This is the reason we've been bombarded for a few days with a bunch of "Obama is going to win New York!" bullshit, I think.)

3. McCain isn't winning the conservative vote. He's winning in states that will vote Democratic in a general election. Who is going to run for the conservative (by which I mean, "crazy as a shithouse rat") vote? Third party candidate? Will Huckabee be McCain's VP?

4. Obama and his "hopey hopetastic hopefulness" can't be negative, even once, or else he falls short of the ridiculously high bar he has set for himself. (note to him, by the way: I go to the polls to vote for a politician, not a Pope. I'm not in the market for a savior or a religion. I want policy improvements, and you'll have to do better than just saying you'll "heal" the divisions in the polity.)

5. By contrast, Clinton only has to appear human a few times--much the way Bush only had to appear semi-competent once or twice in 2000--to improve her image while still being free to run a campaign as she likes.

6. Coverage of this non-event in Illinois is insufferably pro-Obama. Some cocksucker from CBS 2 just came on to say that, Holy Shit!, 9 states are in the Obama column as against only 6 for Clinton! Popozao!! It's a primary, shithead. Delegates are allotted by proportion of the popular vote for each candidate. This is something less than a meaningful statistic, Mr. CBS Cocksucker, sir; in fact, it ain't even news. Sorry to be a grouch, as Obama is OK with me as long as he wakes up and joins the real world before the general election, but all day today every second of coverage across all media has been, "Obama woke up, drank coffee, took a dump, didn't wash his hands, then voted in Hyde Park, had lunch, thought about how, in his more hopeful America, the rolls would have been hotter and buttery-er instead of crusty and a little stale, and then went home to watch us slob him all day just because he maintains a residence in Illinois!!!"

7. Jesus, this shit sucks.