That's the POINT, Asshole!

Buster Olney supposedly knows baseball. Hell, ESPN employs him to write and talk about same. And yet, he is on the warpath for Barry Bonds. Well, it might be more accurate to say that "Buster" (not his real name, which he hides from the public in a schticky, hack sort of "I've got a secret" way) has a hard-on for Bonds' record and so now, among other things, Olney wants to protect it (the record, itself) from defamation.

The issue seems to be that commissioner of baseball, who as much as any owner or player is responsible for the steroid-fueled monstrosity that is Barry Bonds, with his swollen head and growing feet; Bud Selig is being coy about whether he will attend games until Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's homerun record.

On the one hand, I love this hard-to-get stuff from Selig, because there's nothing less endearing or cute than a 60-year-old, not particularly bright man, with the personality of a desk set, being coy. It's one more nail in Selig's coffin, as far as posterity is concerned.

But, to Buster Olney, this is the crucial moment in the history of baseball. When Roger Maris broke Babe Ruth's record, with 61 HR in 1961, commissioner Ford Frick stuck an asterisk on the record because it was done in a 162-game season, whereas Ruth had had only 154 games a year. Apparently, the fact that he had a qualification appended to his feat, that he had to share a record with fucking Babe Ruth (that chump), deeply offended Roger Maris for the rest of his life and made him a cagey, bitter, blood drinking werewolf. Or something. I see it as a Poltergeist-type moment: Goddamn you, Ford Frick!!! You gave him the record, but you never removed the asterisk!! Why?! WHY??!!

Similarly, Olney is concerned that, if Selig doesn't attend Bonds' record-breaking games, then he will somehow diminish Bonds and the record.

Now, Hank Aaron ain't gonna be there. He said months ago that he has no interest. And Buster Olney is on record saying he respects that. So, Hammerin' Hank can piss on Barry Bonds (I love Aaron even more, now), but nobody else can, I guess.

But Olney--never the clearest of thinkers--seems to have a stew of points he only half finished, and they are: Selig must be there; Maris' feelings were hurt by a punctuation mark; steroids aren't important; the record, itself, cannot be treated this way; this is the most important thing to ever happen in baseball. He doesn't make the one argument I would actually grant him: Bud Selig owns the steroid era because he encouraged it and covered it up for over a decade. The common argument is that it "saved" baseball by making homeruns more common than journeyman middle relievers, but I reject that. Baseball was never in any real danger of disappearing, and other facets of the game continue to draw new fans in ways that the tired HR(like the dunk in the NBA) just can't match. 1998's HR binge likely had more to do with an influx of young, bad pitchers into the league, steroids, and the fact that NL umpires had strike zones almost as big as they were inconsistent.

But I digress. What makes Olney's contentions so frustrating, aside from the fact that they are really very crude and yet are coming from ESPN's top baseball writer, is that they are based on an alternate reality that only Buster Olney can see. In this parallel dimension, Barry Bonds would be insulted by Selig's absence. In fact, according to Olney, such a slight would haunt Bonds, as it did Maris, for the rest of his life.

Read my words and feel my scorn: boo. fucking. hoo. The whole point, as far as most baseball fans are concerned, is that somebody ought to heap disdain and scorn upon Barry Bonds. (Incidentally, now that he's close to the mark, Bonds apparently is only going to play home games until he gets it. That's the mark of a real baseball guy: can't play in front of hostile fans. Ty Cobb never played on the road, you know.)

Barry Bonds is a despicable person and a complete asshole. He should be shunned by decent people, and he should live in tortured isolation for the rest of his life; he's a cheater, a liar, and a bad human being. He's going to have sleepless nights because Bud Selig didn't come to his sham party? How about, he's going to be up all night because he's got a swollen cranium, growing feet, a shriveled liver and kidneys, and his body is due to start breaking down in ways medical science never anticipated right about...now? His body is thrumming with steroids, but it's the jab at his delicate pride that'll have him living in pain after retirement? Riiiiight.

Olney's other alternate-reality assertion is that Bonds' record, itself, will be offended by Selig's absence. I'd like to give this a serious hearing, but, um, it's a made-up category of achievement, Buster. It has no meaning outside of the sport and those who created it and believe it means something. 755 is not a person--if numbers were people, you'd be "2," because you write like shit. The homerun record is not mocked, because it can't be. Finish the thought.

This, naturally, is all moot. Alex Rodriguez is at 500 homeruns and he has at least 10 more years in front of him (he's 31). At the pace he's on (44 skronks a year), A-Rod will break Bonds' shady "record" (***!) in about 6 years.

When that happens, I imagine Buster Olney, who will hopefully be unemployed and begging for change outside the new Cyber-Fenway Park, will probably be raving about how good it is for baseball that we can finally forget about Barry Bonds. And, Olney will be royally pissed that Selig's cryogenically frozen head and gonads will be in attendance. And Barry Bonds will be dead. From steroids. Like Chris Benoit and Lyle Alzado.

To sum up:
Barry Bonds: Despicable Roid Fiend
Bud Selig: Despicable Culprit
Buster Olney: Despicable Twit
A-Rod: Completely Awesome